the journey

Be Where You Are

2012-01-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

Confession: I don't spend nearly enough time living in the present. Instead, I do a great job of remembering all the great things in my past or wondering and longing for my future. But, as for just living in the moment...I'm not so good at that.

I decided my One Word in 2012 would be intentional. What I didn't think about when I chose that word was that a synonym for this word could also be present. I need to live in my life at this moment. And, for me, that is hard.

I spend a fair amount of time thinking about all the great things that I loved about college and those moments. I think about my friends and how they're far away. I think about the could have, should have, would haves...and then I get sad. But that's just silly. Those were great moments and they helped shape my present. I have to remind me that there is nothing to be sad about because all those memories are awesome. But, they are in the past.

When I'm not thinking back to the past, I'm also pretty good at freaking myself out about the future. For better or worse, I was given the gift of wanting to put everything on a nice little list - and then check it all off as things happen. But, the future is unknown, and I don't need to waste time or energy wondering and worrying about every little thing. That doesn't mean it's bad to think or to plan; but I waste a lot of time wondering and wondering and getting myself all worked up about things that aren't worth the time or the energy. What is so intentional about that?

So, today, I'm re-pledging to be intentional; to live in the present and to enjoy this life. Because, when it comes down to it, I have an awesome life. I have a great husband, a great little dog, amazing friends, a family anyone would be lucky to know and a job that not only pays the bills, but challenges me every single day. It is when I get so bogged down in the past or so worried about the future that I shortchange my present.

And I'm coming to realize that the present is the only thing that is the only guarantee I have anyway. So, it's time to enjoy it and take a deep breath...and just live.

Why Is "Religion" a Bad Word?

2012-01-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

It's 1:15am and I just woke up from an insane series of nightmares. The weather is picking up outside and I have no desire to go back to sleep right now. So, I'm going to write this blog post - I will edit it in the morning and then post it.

Lately there seems to be a lot going around the Internet and in all sorts of circles about the differences between "religion" and "Christianity." And, while there are some parts of these poems, videos and books that I appreciate, the message is really starting to bother me.

You see, the "religion" they all seem to be so against is what my faith is founded up. The rules, the regulations, the sacrifices that seem to cause issue with people are the very foundations of who we are and what we gave. If you look up religion in a dictionary, do you know what they first definition is? "the service and worship of God." That sounds like a pretty good thing to me, you know?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know there is a lot wrong in the world today. I know that there are valid issues with "religion" and valid concerns, but I think instead of making those a constant topic of choice, we need to evaluate what the real issue with religion is for so many people, especially in my generation. I've been doing some reading, watching those YouTube videos and thinking about this - and the issues that seem to come up again and again are that religion is about rules and Christianity is about relationship.

Maybe it's because I like rules and order, or maybe it's because I'm not reading into it the right way - but I don't think rules are a bad thing, even when it comes to faith. Jesus did say, "keep my commands." Isn't that a lot like saying "follow my rules?" And sure, there are always going to be people who use those rules to condemn and judge. But, there are also people who can use those rules to be freeing and helpful.

When it comes down to it, here's the thing. Religion isn't bad. It's what people do in the name of religion that can be bad. And, the same thing can be said for Christianity. Because I've seen and heard of some abhorrent things being done by people claiming they are Christians doing Jesus' work in the world. And that religious institution that everyone seems to want to hate? It's what brought me to God, gave me a purpose and helps me make decisions on a daily basis. That institution helped me find a relationship with Jesus. That institution is where I go when I'm hurting and need help. They help me find my place in a dark world.

I think it's time for us Christians to stop throwing the word religion around like it's a bad word. It's time we stop building walls between us and them. It's time we start focusing on what we can do together instead of trying to set ourselves apart. Too many times that relationship instead of religion argument is being used as an excuse for doing what I want when I want and for picking and choosing the parts of religion that I think apply to me.

Maybe I'm over thinking it. It is almost 2am. But I am also tired of the arguments and tired of the discord and tired of people saying I have to choose one camp or the other. I have a relationship with Jesus. I am part of a religion that seeks to do a lot of good in the world and bring as many people to Him as it can. I can be part of both.

Finish Year Friday #2

2012-01-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

I'm guessing you can tell how this week has gone (seeing as how I haven't posted anything between these two posts). This week has been...something else. Not horrible, not great, just a lot. and tiring. And, because everything else has taken up so much of my time, I'm feeling like a bit of a failure when it comes to all my Finish Year goals. There are no major breakthroughs or changes worth mentioning. I did read my Bible more this week - and that's about it.

Right now I'm thankful for the fact that it's a Finish YEAR goal, and not a finish month goal. I will get my three letters written and out before the mail goes tomorrow. And then I will just keep on trying to make the best of every moment in 2012 and live with intention.

Finish Year Friday #1

2012-01-06T14:21:00.000-05:00

I've decided each Friday this year that I will go ahead and post updates on my Finish Year Goals. It holds me accountable and gives Fridays a purpose on my blog. So, it's a double-win for me!

The goals are listed on the page linked above. Here is how this week has gone...

I started counting calories again this week (going simple and old school) and will get three workouts in. Not great, but a good start. My "recommended" caloric intake of 1200 was leaving me starving and headachey, so I decided to bump it up to 1500 for this week and slowly go down. I'm not noticing any changes this week, but having some control over it is a good thing.
I am going to start "Moon over Manifest," the 2011 winner, this weekend!
I've been blogging more often, that's for sure. Fridays now have a purpose. I'm debating stealing my friend Sarah's Thursday post ideas...any ideas for the rest of the week? I also started a Facebook page for my blog, because I'm hoping that will attract more readers AND more ideas for content!
Three cards mailed today! I am going to have to buy stamps, and I would love to find some awesome stationary to go with my letter-writing campaign.
This one is a big fat zero this week. I seriously need a Bible reading plan. Any suggestions?
Right now this is a prayer focus and I've been scribbling drama ideas, but I need some more solid time devoted to fleshing out skits, etc.
I am hoping to devote 2 hours this weekend to writing. Not a lot, but it's a start, right?
I wrote my first blog in FOREVER for our women's ministry blog. I might work on making it something to submit. I need to have it edited and critiqued first, however.

Are you doing a Finish Year in 2012? What are your goals?

Dropping Love Bombs

2012-01-05T15:20:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago, my friend Elizabeth introduced me to a great website/group called Drop A Love Bomb. I was intrigued and inspired by their purpose: every week they find someone who needs to be loved on and encouraged and they "Drop a Love Bomb" by way of comments on that person's blog, etc. That's all you really need to know. In fact, they some up their mission on their facebook page like this:

	Love Bomb is a project of ItStartsWith.Us. Once a week we come together to drop hundreds of love bombs (in the form of blog comments) for those who need it most. It takes 5 minutes a week, and it changes lives in incredible ways. In the few months I've been associated with them, I have read heartbreaking stories of loss and suffering; I have encountered people simply going through a dark time; I've met (virtually) people who just need to be told that they matter to someone - anyone. And, each story, each person, each comment, has changed me. I am humbled to be a part of a group that has such a simple focus - to remind us all that people matter way more than stuff. I look forward to each Thursday when I can reach out and touch the life of a stranger and remind them that they are here for a purpose, even when that purpose is hidden behind the darkest moments of life. While it does make me sad that such a group even has to exist - that people don't seem to care about people like they used to, I am so glad someone said let's do this. It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't even have to be all that hard. Let's find some people that need to be loved, and then love them. Maybe that's what life is really about - not over thinking life - not making it too complicated - not leaving it up to someone else - but just saying, you matter. In your happy moments, you matter. In your dark moments, you matter. Forget everything else and remember this - you matter. Simple enough.

Love Bomb is a project of ItStartsWith.Us. Once a week we come together to drop hundreds of love bombs (in the form of blog comments) for those who need it most. It takes 5 minutes a week, and it changes lives in incredible ways.

In the few months I've been associated with them, I have read heartbreaking stories of loss and suffering; I have encountered people simply going through a dark time; I've met (virtually) people who just need to be told that they matter to someone - anyone. And, each story, each person, each comment, has changed me.

I am humbled to be a part of a group that has such a simple focus - to remind us all that people matter way more than stuff. I look forward to each Thursday when I can reach out and touch the life of a stranger and remind them that they are here for a purpose, even when that purpose is hidden behind the darkest moments of life. While it does make me sad that such a group even has to exist - that people don't seem to care about people like they used to, I am so glad someone said let's do this. It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't even have to be all that hard. Let's find some people that need to be loved, and then love them.

Maybe that's what life is really about - not over thinking life - not making it too complicated - not leaving it up to someone else - but just saying, you matter. In your happy moments, you matter. In your dark moments, you matter. Forget everything else and remember this - you matter.

Simple enough.

One Word for 2012

2012-01-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

It's here. Another year. And, with another year comes renewed focus and dedication to making changes. I was talking to my friend David a little today about New Year's Resolutions. He doesn't believe in them, and has some good points for thinking all the hoopla around them is pretty silly. I agree on a lot of his points, but I still think there is value in resolutions. There is value in standing up and saying this is it and drawing a line in the sand. It's those things that make people change, and if it takes a new year's resolution to do that, I'm all for it.

I talked a little the last time I wrote about my "resolutions" for 2012. They are my Finish Year Goals, and I'm excited for them all, even though they are big and scary. And, along with my Finish Year plans, I have been thinking a lot about my One Word for 2012. After much thought, this is it:

INTENTIONAL.

In 2012, I will be intentional in my choices.
I will be intentional in my friendships - and dedicate time to growing those close friendships.
I will be intentional at my job. I will do the best I can and make the best decision I can every moment.
I will be intentional in my dedication to Finish Year.
I will be intentional in my food choices and my exercise choices.
I will be intentional in my prayer life.

I have lived a lot of my life in a state of reaction - reacting to what happens to me and not really being intentional about how things affect me until too late. I react, and often not well, to my life, instead of being proactive about it. And, my reactions are often something I'm not proud of, so I am hoping that this focus on being intentional will make me slow down, evaluate things more carefully and make some positive changes in my life.

I am ready.

What is your One Word for 2012?

Finish Year

2011-12-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last week, Jon Acuff, who is one of my favorite authors and bloggers, issued a challenge to his readers. His challenge was simple and crazy complex at the same time. He has decided to call 2012 his Finish Year. You know, the year where we make resolutions that we actually keep and make plans we can actually follow through with for once. You can read all about it here. I thought about it for quite a long time before coming up with goals for my 2012.

It was hard to come up with things we can finish. It's hard to come up with goals that are attainable and realistic. At the same time, you want goals that are challenging and will push you to do something bigger than yourself.

Here is my initial list:

I am committed to change my lifestyle. I am going to stop making excuses and do it. Healthy eating and more working out, here I come.
I will read all the books on the Newbery Winner list.
I will blog regularly and create a purpose for my blog other than my generic ramblings.
I will write real letters to friends, instead of quick emails that are full of half-thoughts.
I will read my Bible every day and commit scripture to memory.
I will make our annual retreat for young girls (ages 12-18), One Girl, the best I can by committing time, energy and talents to every meeting, session and the actual event.
Finish the first draft of a book.
Submit at least 3 articles or stories for publication, regardless of outcome. The key is to submit.

I'm the first to admit that's a pretty big list. And, I am really scared when I look at that list. There is a lot of work there. It is going to require a lot of dedication to make it work. I'm nervous, but excited. I am going to start a page above that will be just for tracking my Finish Year goals.

What are you going to finish in 2012?

Purpose and Passion

2011-12-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

I am sure I've blogged about this before, but I have such a hard time trying to figure out what this blog should be about as I write!

Since the beginning, this blog has been a little of this, a little of that, and a little of everything in between. It has been my weightloss journey, my wedding, my struggles and satisfactions in life...a little of everything. So, as I look to 2012, I want to really think about the purpose behind blogging. It has always been mostly for me - and not for anyone else. It's been about my life, the stuff going on (good and bad) and my journey through job changes and more. But, I know if I really want people to read and enjoy this...it needs to be about something more.

So, I've asked before, but I'll ask again. If you are a reader of my blog, what do you want to read?

Just life?
Writing thoughts?
Personal writings?
Spiritual thoughts?
Something completely different?

Tell me, oh wise readers!

Oh, 2011...What A Year You Were!

2011-12-28T22:48:00.001-05:00

As I look back on 2011, I can't help but hum "I Will Survive" in my head. It was one of the most...years I've ever experienced. 2011 was full of very high highs and very low lows. It was full of adventure and excitement, and tear and confusion. It was full of new challenges at work and new friendships made. It was a year that I spent really trying to figure out what God wanted for my life, and ended with me not knowing the answer...but still having a lot of peace about the whole thing.

Back in January, I said my One Word for 2011 would be experience. Looking back on this year, I can say, honestly: be careful what you say. When I said I wanted to truly experience life, I didn't know what that would look like. I didn't know the full measure of life that I would be experiencing. Here are my exact words from January 9:

In 2011, I want to experience new things with an open mind and an open heart. I want to experience deeper intimacy with my friends, family and husband. I want experience God is bigger ways and experience His love and plan for my life. I want to be open to those experiences I haven't even dreamed of yet. I want to be fully present in my life and to experience the highs and lows; the blessings and the struggles; the passions and the pains.

I choose to experience it all.

I don't regret making those choices this year. I don't regret anything about 2011. And, despite the tears and loss, I am grateful for the experience. Because there was more laughter than sadness, I am glad. Because I found myself a little more along the way, I am grateful for it all. I went into 2011 wanting nothing more than to feel the presence of the Almighty working in my life, and He has. I have experienced things in 2011 that I never imagined...and I am a better person for it. I think I am a better friend, a better wife, a better sister and daughter, and a better person because of this year.

And so, it is with anxious trepidation that I look toward 2012. I have already committed my new year to Jon Acuff's "Finish Year" and I am excited and nervous to see what that will hold. I have also been thinking about my ONE WORD for 2012. I have chosen the word, and will reveal it soon.

Thanks for sticking with me through 2011. I will try to write more in 2012. And I will try and figure out the purpose behind this blog, as well!

How We Stole Christmas...from Ourselves

2011-12-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

I've talked to a lot of people in the last few days who are having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I have sent more than one email to my mom joking about my internal "Grinch" running amok and running my attitude this year. I really don't know what it is, at all. The Christmas tree is up and lit. The lights are hung outside. The stockings are hung, the decorations are out. I even have a new Charlie Brown Christmas decoration to make me smile. I love it, but it just doesn't feel like I usually do this time of year.

There is simply something about Christmas that is supposed to be full of joy and laughter and simple joys. It is supposed to be about family and friends and relaxing around the lighted Christmas Tree. It's about a promise of a Savior and eternity reclaimed from the darkness. It's about all the things that we take for granted. It's about slowing down and enjoying the things we love. It's about warmth and happiness.

But, somewhere along the way, the Grinch seemed to win. People fight over toys in the store. We argue with family and stress over making plans that will inevitably leave someone disappointed. We work longer hours to make more money to buy more stuff when that's the last thing anyone really needs. We pick fights that don't need to happen and we stress about things that, in the long run, don't even matter. We spend too much time figuring out where to put the nativity scene without ever really looking at that baby in the manger and the promises He holds.

We have lost Christmas. And, I think years of the realy meanning of Christmas being chipped away have finally caught up with me.

So, I'm taking a deep breath.
Taking Christmas one day at a time.
Realizing I will disappoint people.
Realizing I will be disappointed.
I'm looking for the little joys.
And celebrating the Child that changes everything.
I am not forcing myself to "get" in the Christmas spirit.
Instead I am allowing Christmas to come to me however it wants to come.
I am turning on the Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate.
I am wrapping presents.
I am trying not to stress so much to find the PERFECT gift.
I am focusing on being with people instead of buying things for people.

I am trying to find Christmas again.

The Love Sandwich

2011-11-15T12:20:00.001-05:00

So a few weeks ago, I went to a conference. The conference blew my mind for various reasons I haven't had time to write down here yet. It was humbling, amazing and full of information that was both brain-draining and brain-energizing.

A lot of it has stuck with me for several weeks now, but my mind keeps wandering back to this one point - in the middle of it all, Julie from Generis said something about presenting information to people in a "love sandwich." It got a lot of laughs, but then later on in the day, she explained what she meant - basically that you should give people criticism between compliments and encouragement. You get it? That makes a "love sandwich." How true that is, too!

This has been an unusually stressful and complicated season at my job. There have been a lot of challenges and changes, and there is a part of me that is simply exhausted and stretched out and...tired. Because of some responsibility shifts, I seem to get a lot of complaints, demands and other "stuff" in my inbox, on my voicemail and at my desk on a regular basis. While I can deal with most of it most of the time, I've come to realize that I need a little more of it paired with a positive attitude, a helping hand and a compliment or some encouragement.

I hate to sound needy, but I'm much more likely to go out of my way to help someone or do a project if they have said thank you in the past, or would do the same for me. I know that sounds selfish, maybe even a little rude, but it's where I am right now. I know I can't please everyone all the time (try as I might) and I will disappoint people (more than I would like). I also have come to realize that I am wired for positive reinforcement. A smile and a thank-you go a long way with me.

I don't expect things to change as a result of this post. Mostly, I'm just becoming aware of who I am as a person and the way I interact with others. I know I need to be better about NOT complaining. I also know I need to be better about giving out compliments and criticism in their proper dosages. For every one negative/needy/demanding thing said, at least two compliments/thank you kind of things need to go along with it.

One Book I'm Grateful For

2011-10-31T11:17:00.001-04:00

When Beth Revis challenged her followers to blog about their favorite books and the books they are most grateful for, I knew I had to step up to the challenge. What I didn't realize was how hard it would be to narrow down the list of books that I'm grateful for - that have changed me fundamentally as a person. The list is very long, but wow...

I think, right now, the book I am most grateful for is...

Now, before you think I've gone COMPLETELY off the deep end, I would ask you to remember the last time you read this little gem of a book? My guess is early elementary school. My guess is you probably also don't really remember it. But, I promise, it's worth the quick read again.

Why do I love this little book so much? It's simple. It's sweet. It's about the power of imagination. Harold draws a world that he needs; draws the simple things he loves and creates his journey along the way. He is not held back by what isn't there, but instead he sees obstacles as an opportunity to make his world how he would like it to be. Because Harold draws his world as he goes, he does it with an innocence that I feel we lose all too soon in our lives.

More than anything, though, this book is about the POWER of imagination. As I look at what I really want to do with my life, Harold and his purple crayon are great reminders to use what I have been given and to share it with the world.

So, what's your favorite book? Comment here, and then check out this awesome contest you can enter by blogging about the book YOU are most grateful to have read!

Topics of Another Nature

2011-10-29T23:02:00.000-04:00

"I firmly believe the best chapters are yet to be written." - Dr. Mallard, NCIS

If I am guilty of anything in my life, I am guilty of dwelling in the past, thinking about the past, worrying about the past, and even wishing I could change the past. I know that nothing can change what has already happened in my world, but it doesn't mean that I don't...obsess...about things a little more than I should.

So, I was sitting here on the couch (in front of the space heater and with the dog on my lap) and watching the newest NCIS when the above quote caught my attention. I spend so much time thinking about the past that sometimes I forget that there is still so much more of my life that is yet to be written. How much would my life be different if we truly believed that the best chapters of our lives are best to be written?

How would you live differently?
How would you think differently?
How would you love differently?
How would you trust differently?

For me, I think I would be braver. I would be willing to take more risks. I would laugh harder and love more. If the best, truly the best, is still out there and waiting to be written, then why would I ever live with less that complete and total trust and abandon? I tend to live in a small bubble because it's safe and comfortable, and I think I have done a great disservice to myself and to those in my world.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense, but it's what is in my head right now. I sat down here to talk about how I've run out of things to say...and this is what I came up with...so that's that!

The One Where I Learn To Breathe Again

2011-10-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

Trust me, the fact that I have not blogged since JULY is not lost on me, either. There are several reasons why that could be, but they can be summed up in one word: TIME. My time has been not my own for months, now. Work has been insane. Life has been insane. Everything has been insane.

Plus, I realized that maybe I was over-sharing on my blog when the first thing I always wanted to do was blog about the things happening in my world, even if they were more private. So, I took a step back. I lived my crazy summer and early fall. And now, here it is almost November. Maybe I'll try and write daily again. But, probably not.

I think I'm crazy enough to consider NaNoWriMo again. Because I definitely Do NOT have time for that...which makes it more exciting somehow. We celebrated an anniversary. I went to an awesome conference. I am going on a cruise next weekend. Thirty-One has been good. School is boring. Life is challenging.

Right now, we'll just see if anyone notices I'm back...or that I was even gone at all.

Fighting My Internal Legalist

2011-07-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

I don't often use my blog to list my faults, but I have felt especially convicted of one lately and wanted to share. I am realizing more and more that my internal legalist is alive and well, and she takes control of my patience quite often. I don't like my internal legalist, but I know in some ways...it's just the way I am wired!

I like order and rules and marking things off lists.
I like having a plan.
I love deadlines.
I like guidelines.
I like agendas.

I work best when I am on deadline and with a list of things I can check off. And, because that is how I am wired, I often expect the same of other people. Even if that is totally not how they are wired! And, in my job, that is a hard line to walk sometimes. If you know me at all, you know I wear...a few...different hats at my job. I am business manager (crunching numbers, writing checks, keeping an eye on the budget), HR (insurance, new hires, vacation days, retirement, benefits) and communications (website, bulletin, enews, facebook). Yes, that's a lot. And yes, on most days I can figure out how to manage most of it well...as long as people stay on deadline.

The nature of ministry, though, is that things come up. ALL the time. And my deadlines are often easy to change and push back. And, honestly, my first response is often not a very nice one. I get frustrated, and I get angry. I want to not put their bulletin announcement in or write their check the next week, because they didn't meet my deadline. I want to make myself the most important part of the equation. And then I am reminded, sometimes subtly, sometimes with force, that I am actually the least important part of the equation. Even though there are habitual "offenders" that make me C-R-A-Z-Y, I know that my response to those situations is always MY CHOICE. I can choose to be a legalist (which I feel like is my natural self) or I can choose to extend grace (which is a lot of work for me most days).

So, right now, it's about finding that balance. Because, I want to be angry and bitter and frustrated and annoyed when I have to change my schedule for other people (did you catch how many "I's" are in that sentence?). I want to hold that grudge a little longer and make people "pay" for making me change my life.

And that is just plain wrong.

I should want to extend grace, to let other people be more important than me, and to let go of some of my expectations of people and deadlines. I should accept that no one is ever going to be on time all the time, and let go of that Type-A part of me that clings so desperately to hard and soft deadlines. Shouldn't I?

In a job that requires deadlines to get the work done, on a daily and weekly basis, finding that balance is getting harder and harder. How do you do it?

Why I Blog...Still...

2011-07-12T19:51:00.000-04:00

When I first started blogging, a lot of people blogged. A lot of my friends started blogs (in fact, I only started writing at the urging of a friend), and it was a fun way to keep in contact with friends as they spread around the state and the country. As the years have gone by, many of my friends have stopped blogging completely, or blog so sporadically that you have to be lucky to find a new post. And, while I don't blog as often as I could, or as often as I should, I still haven't stopped writing.

Technology and ways to communicate have changed a lot since I started blogging. Facebook and twitter are primary means of communication for most people, and I will admit that I use them a lot. But, they are brief glimpses into a moment, and they still haven't taken the place of blogging for me. I feel like I need more than 420 or 140 characters to truly express myself. So, I continue to blog when so many people have stopped blogging, and continue to enjoy it when others have decided to switch to other means of social communication.

While I don't blog nearly as much as I would like to these days (my blogging every day thing didn't last too long), I still think of things to blog about almost every single day! I have to walk a fine line between sharing too much and not sharing enough on here...even though part of me just wants to share it all! I also think I maintain a little more privacy here, honestly. Even though I post links to this blog on Facebook and Twitter, very few people read them, and I'm okay with that. While I would love to have a big following sometimes, the truth is...my life just isn't that exciting most of the time.

I am a writer, and while Facebook and Twitter are fun, Blogging is where I can write. It is where I can tell my story, share my story, and invite others to live part of my story. I know a lot of things have changed since I first started this blog, I don't see myself ever leaving it behind completely. There is too much life contained in these archives and in these pages.

So, I blog because I want to. It makes me happy and it helps me sort out my feelings and my struggles and my successes. And, that's enough of a reason for me!

Of Follies and Friendship

2011-07-08T20:49:00.000-04:00

Friendship is a tricky thing. And, instead of getting easier, it seems to get harder as I get older. I may no longer be on the playground, trying to find someone to play foursquare with, but the delicate balance in friendship is still much the same. Sometimes there is no one there to play with, and sometimes I have an abundance of friends. This week I have been thinking about friendships a lot as I feel like some of mine are once again in transition. As friendship grow and change, there is one constant - our need to communicate with each other and to have a common life experience.

I will be the first to admit that sometimes I am not the world's best friend. Sometimes I'm selfish. Sometimes I'm needy. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I am impatient. Sometimes I don't give as much as I should. Sometimes I don't tell people how I really feel.

Despite all that, though, I try, hard, to be a good friend. I try to put others before myself and to accept that I am not always going to be the most important (or even remotely important) person in any one friend's life. I accept that the older we get, the busier we get and sometimes the best we can do is a quick phone call or text message. I try to be quick to forgive and to not hold grudges against anyone when I feel like I've been wronged.

Friendships are a different part of God's personality - that love that is not romantic, but runs deep. It is his passion for community lived out amongst people who He brings together for a specific purpose. And, because of that, I am starting to realize how important friendships are to my emotional health and my general outlook on the world. The girl times I do get are precious to me, and I take them seriously. Not that the time itself has to be serious, but just that I know any time spent with me is time not spent with a husband/boyfriend/friend/child/pet/co-worker. When people take the time to hang out with me, I really appreciate it, even when I don't do a good job of communicating that to the girls in my life. So, to Beth and Wanda and Ashley, who all took times out of their week this week to hang out with me, thank you so much! Those few hours talking, eating, watching a movie...those were precious moments in a busy week and I needed them so much.

Two Years

2011-07-07T16:25:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that it was just two years ago when we brought Madison home to live with us! She's such as answesome little dog and we just love her to pieces. Here are some pictures we took last night...

Madison LOVES Cheese.

Silly Puppy Face

Trying to be good.

She LOVES having a backyard.

I don't know why she won't go up the stairs sometimes.

Sitting pretty for cheese.

Trying to talk tim into giving her a treat.

She's come a long way from those first few months when we brought her home...she was such a tiny little thing!

Oh, Bleep! I WON! Supernaturally!

2011-07-06T22:26:00.000-04:00

Fun story: A few weeks ago, one of my favorite young adult authors, Kiersten White, held a contest on her blog to win an ARC of her new book, Supernaturally.

The contest was fun - look at the cover of the book and make up a short blurb to go with it - and it didn't have anything to do with the book. So, I thought it would be fun and entered. I spent some time coming up with something silly, hoping it would make Kiersten at least laugh a little. Then, I went on vacation (more about that later) and kind of didn't worry about the contest. There were a lot of entries, and mine was just one of the literally hundreds of comments she would have to read.

And then, one day not too long ago, I popped over to her blog and saw this: I WON! Seriously, go read the blog she wrote! I spent the next couple hours walking around with a silly grin on my face, overly excited about winning this ARC!

And guess what came in the mail today?!?!?!?! YAY! So, in honor of Kiersten and her fun photo journeys on her blog, let me introduce Evie and Supernaturally:

It's a long ride from Southern California to Indiana. I am glad to be out of that stuffy package and so glad there is some sunshine here today. It's a little humid for my taste, though.

These flowers really bring out the red in my cover, don't you think?

I was thirsty after that long trip. There was no Dr. Pepper in the house, but this Coke from Mexico had enough sugar to keep me awake until I come out in hardback!

I was going to send Kiersten a note to let her know I made it safely, but I got distracted. Emily's computer is PINK! And so is this super-soft blanket she let me sit on. Pink rocks!

Emily had several chores she had planned on getting done before my arrival. First, she tried to unload the dishwasher...

...then she tried to steam mop...

...then she tried to match all those mismatched socks...

who DOES that?

Then Emily thought maybe I needed someone to hang out with after my trip. She started with a couple magazines her husband was reading, but they weren't my type...to say the least.

This guy wasn't my type, either. But, he was cute and cuddly, so that was a plus.

Plus, it made me miss Lend a little.

Finally! A friend I can relate to and speaks my language!

Then I showed Emily my surprise inside!

Oh, Bleep! I think I just made her week!

The end.

There you go. My little journey with Supernaturally this evening. I am seriously so excited to read this book, and even more excited that a writer I greatly admire thought my entry was funny! YAY!

What I Should Have Studied in College...

2011-06-11T20:48:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking more about the experience of deciding upon your vocation. Does anyone else find it odd that we ask people to pick their job when they are 18?? You can't drink yet, and you're barely old enough to be considered an adult, but there is this expectation that you would go to college, pick a degree path, and know how you want to spend the rest of your life. As I think about it more, I realize just how strange that expectation really is for people.

Now, at 32, I'm starting to think more about what I really want to do with my life - and it's nothing that I went to school for or even thought about when I was an 18 year old IU freshman. When I first went to school, I was all about theatre and journalism and writing. And yes, those things are still part of my life and my passions - but they aren't really what I see my JOB as being anymore. Instead, I've found myself drawn more and more to communications and marketing. I'm fascinated by the world of social media and how it can directly affect the way a business, church or organization is seen by the outside world.

At work, we recently started working with a local (Indy) business, Fishhook. They are a Christian-based communications company that works hard to help non-profits tell their story in the best way possible. The experience has awoken a long-hidden passion I had kind of forgot I even had. There was a brief moment in college, about a semester, where I seriously considered changing my major from English to Marketing. Had the desire for change not come at the tail end of my Junior year, I probably would have made the switch. As it was, I was tired of being in school and ready to just be done. So, I stuck out my English degree and went on with my life.

And now, as I look at my job, and I look at the future, I can't help but enjoy this new role communications is playing in my life once again. Thinking about the best way to share the message of the church, and how to get a wide variety of staff members and volunteers all speaking the same language - is an exciting challenge. While I don't know how long I will be in this role, I am thoroughly enjoying it! I look forward to my meetings with the Fishhook team, and take real pride in my work when the compliment it. I feel like that thing that was once just a passing wonder is starting to have a purpose again.

All of this is to say that I don't really think we're cut out to make life-long decisions at 18. Who knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives when they're just tasting their first bites of freedom? It's no wonder that my generation changes jobs so often - there are too many options we aren't even aware of until we hit those first college classes!

Learning the Art of the Ask

2011-05-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

First of all, I will admit I'm not very good at asking for things - gifts, help, prayers, whatever. I have an extremely deep stubborn streak and like to think that I can do everything myself all the time. Asking for help, asking for support, and even asking for what I simply want is a hard thing for me. But, recently, I've been thinking about the art of asking...and how it makes me a better person.

Asking for help means I'm not self-reliant all the time. I know I can't do it all myself, but that doesn't stop me from trying. This time last year I was beyond burnt out at my job. Work was stressful, and I was close to miserable. I thought a lot about moving on to other jobs, and moving on to other places. I was discontented, and part of it was because I simply didn't ask for help. I didn't admit that I couldn't do it all and having one more project thrown on my plate was close to sending me over the edge. I couldn't admit that I wasn't superwoman and that I needed someone to help with the simple and complex parts of my job.

I was equating asking for help with weakness, when the reality is that it is a sure sign of strength!

I also have a hard time asking for prayer support. This is just dumb. I know that's one of the whole legs of my faith, but at the same time, I feel like my little prayer issues are so much smaller than "real" needs, so I just don't ask for prayers, even when I know I need them. So, I have been making a conscious effort in the last two months to ask for more prayers, for little things (weight loss successes, etc) and big things (work, family, life). And, I can see and feel the difference in my heart, in my spirit, and in my own faith. Why is asking for prayer so hard? I think it goes back to the help issue for me. Asking for prayer means I can't do it on my own! Do you see a trend here, because I totally do.

One of the areas where I have the hardest time asking for help is when it comes to asking for the things I want. I have the hardest time coming up with gift ideas, or admitting what I want to have for dinner or what movie I would choose to watch. I like to say that it's because I'm easily pleased (which is true sometimes) but the reality is more often than not, I'm afraid my asking will not be in sync with the other person's plans. And, then I will make things harder than they need to be for that person. So instead, I just don't ask. I just go with the flow.

But that is changing, too.

I am learning to ask for what I want - "stuff," food, entertainment, work-related, etc. I am learning to have an opinion and to voice it, even if it is the minority. I am learning that asking is fine. I don't expect to always have my ask answered with a yes, but at least I'm learning the fine art of asking...and accepting!

Summer Reading List

2011-05-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

Now that school is over and life is settling down a bit, I want to read A LOT. My friend Liz is going on vacation next week and recently posted on her facebook asking for book suggestions. I love it! Here is what people suggested to her that I will be adding to my list. (I've read the ones in bold already and I didn't include everything I sent her):

The Time Traveler's Wife
Breakfast at Tiffany's
A Prayer for Owen Meany
A Confederacy of Dunces
The Kite Runner
Bossypants
The Kitchen House
City of Thieves
The Red Tent
Losing Julia
The Weight of Silence
Sarah's Keys
The Paris Wife
Pillars of the Earth
The Help
Heaven is for Real
A Thousand Splendid Suns
Water for Elephants
Left Neglected
Still Alice
The Dirty Life
Glass Castle
What is the What
Gang Leader for a Day
Snow Flower & the Secret Fan
Little Bee
Room
Where She Went
Anna & the French Kiss
Outlander

That is quite the list! There are quite a few on there I want to read, and quite a few I haven't even heard of. I love book reading friends (or friends of friends as the case may be). In addition to that list, I have quite a few books on my "to-read" list, as well. Here is a picture of what is sitting on my table at work...

And those are just the ones at work! I have a whole bag of books from the recent Women of Faith conference, too. Not to mention my Kindle books, and the ever-growing library list! And the Newbery winners, and the new YA fiction coming out, and the books I already have on pre-order and...

And this, my friends, is why I am becoming a librarian someday. So at least there will be a reason for my obsession!

So, I have to ask. What's on your nightstand? Your bookshelf? Your to-be read list? Your summer fun reading list?

The One Where I Remember I Have A Blog...

2011-05-10T13:57:00.000-04:00

...and actually update it.

April was...a month.

A crazy month.
A busy month.
A month of highs and lows.
A month of friendships and family.
A month of growing closer to my husband.
A month of appreciating the little things.
A month of finding peace.
A month of prayer.
A month of trust.
A month of obedience.
A month of love.
A month of laughter.
A month of celebration.
A month of tears.
A month of adventure.
A month of new friends.
A month of renewed faith.

In short, April was a month of life. It was not perfect, but it was life. There were really really happy days and some sad days, too. There was a fabulous weekend with my mom in Indianapolis for the Race for the Cure, which is always one of my favorite weekends. I love spending time with my mom, laughing and just being in her presence. There was a much-needed weekend as a guest for Women of Faith in Las Vegas. Time with me and God, and me and some new friends, and me and my thoughts. It came at a time when it was most needed, and God is faithful. He showed up. And He reminded me that I AM HIS, the love of His life and the passion of His heart. We celebrated Tim's grandparent's 64th wedding anniversary, and it made me excited to think about hitting those milestones with my own husband. Cameron and I had birthdays. Easter at SOCC was better than I think it had ever been (at least in the 13+ years I've been here). I was challenged to trust God more than I ever have, and I stepped up to the challenge the best I could. Oh, and my never-ending class finally ended. FINALLY.

I didn't blog. Not because there was nothing to say, but because I was so busy experiencing life that I didn't have the time, patience or inclination to sit down every night and write about it. But, I missed blogging. I know we're already 10 days into May, but I will try and do better this month. I am learning that I don't need to put everything out there into the great big world, but I still do have something to say.

I started writing again - a book on being normal and being extraordinary at the same time. Then April happened and I got busy. I will pull that out and write some more now that life is slowing to a still busy but overall normal pace.

How about you? What was your April like?

STILL HERE!

2011-04-18T09:47:00.000-04:00

I don't really know why I haven't blogged for two weeks. Nothing to say, I guess?? I've been busy - life is always busy - but not so busy. I think I just lost the discipline. One weekend quickly turned into two, and quickly into three. I can't believe that it's the middle of April already. My birthday is only 9 days away.

I spent the weekend with my mom at the Race for the Cure. This weekend with my mom is easily one of my favorite weekends of the year. I love my mom, look up to her, and depend on her for so much, even as I approach 32!!! She is awesome, and even just laying around a hotel room watching TV and eating chocolate-covered sunflower seeds makes my heart feel peace and rest. It was a much needed weekend after a long week.

We are gearing up for Easter this week at work - that means Tim will be working a lot of late nights and long days. I know it's all worth it in the end, but I am always thankful that these weekends only come a few times a year. And, that he will get some much-needed down time next week.

This year, I am more aware than ever of the unchanging and beautiful sacrifice God made on my behalf. I can't imagine living life without the promise of forever and the love of my Savior. It's a good week, and a beautiful reminder that the grave can't hold death forever - and that, through all trials, tribulations, joys and sorrows - my God reigns on high.

Calling the Qualified or Qualifying the Called?

2011-04-05T21:34:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about my job a lot. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. I was in a meeting today where I couldn't help but wonder, as I listened to people talk and listened to their passions unfold, that I don't really understand why I am in my job or where I am. I am realizing slowly, but surely, that I don't fit the typical church-worker mold. I don't have the Bible-school background, and I honestly don't feel like I know nearly enough about the Bible or God to have a deep conversation sometimes. I don't feel like my priorities are maybe where they should be.

Don't get me wrong, I love the church, and my deep desire is that everyone have the same life-changing decision to accept Christ that I made in 1996. I want everyone to be part of the big story God is telling, and I want everyone to be in a place where God has called them. I want people to know the love, acceptance, passion, beauty and life that I only have through Him. But, at the same time, people never seem to be my first thought in meetings. My first thought usually is "Where is that money going to come from?" "How are we going to pay for that?" or something similar. I have a hard time seeing the ministry through the dollar signs!

I don't know, maybe that means I am in exactly the right job in exactly the right place. Maybe my "job" at my job is to be that voice, even though it often makes me feel like the bad guy! I don't know...it is a constant disconnect in my life. I want to have that passion for ministry and people...but my passion seems to be making sure there is money left for someone else to do ministry...at least when it comes to work? Maybe I am right where I am because God needs me to be asking those questions - even when I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing me ask them!

Prone

2011-04-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

This weekend I became convinced that we are prone to being on the receiving end of the "whatever can go wrong will go wrong" theory. While no major things have gone wrong, there were enough little annoyances, inconveniences and stresses that I was actually looking forward to Monday coming! It seems like that is always the story of our lives! If there is a part missing in something, it will be in the one we buy (like the kitchen faucet - but who needs water in their kitchen anyway??), if there is something that can go wrong, chances are we've had to deal with it. I'm accident prone, and it seems like things are always breaking, busting or being recalled!

I know this post is a little negative and bitter, but it was JUST. ONE. OF. THOSE. WEEKENDS. I won't even go into all the details, because there is no point, but it just seemed to be one thing after another. At least Tim and I were in it together and were able to vent, laugh and be sad about it together instead of AT each other! There is a lot of ridiculousness in the world, and we were reminded of that again this weekend.

And then today, half of the building loses power, the library was packed and smelled funny, and my homework is just beyond crazy-annoying. Seriously. I haven't felt like this about a class since my freshman year of college. I simply cannot wait for this class to be over! SERIOUSLY.

I know this is a post full of gripes, but hey, it's my blog and i can gripe if I want to, gripe if I want to, gripe if I want to... HA! The next post will be happier, I think!

No More April Fools

2011-04-01T15:36:00.000-04:00

April Fools' Day is one of my least favorite days of the year. I don't mind the harmless little pranks (okay, maybe I mind them a little), but it's the outright lies followed by "April Fools'!" that just bother me. I know part of it is because I am really gullible and believe way more than I should when people tell me stuff. Instead of gullible, I'm going to just say I'm really innocent. I would never think someone would lie to me, so when they do, I'm somewhat shocked! (Makes me sound better, anyway).

The Anderson, South Carolina newspaper, the Independent Mail says that the holiday began "in France when the Gregorian calendar was introduced, moving New Year’s Day from April 1 to January 1.

As several sites noted, verbatim: “Communication traveled slowly in those days and some people were only informed of the change several days later. Still others, who were more rebellious, refused to acknowledge the change and continued to celebrate the beginning of a new year on April 1.

“These people were labeled ‘fools’ by the general populace, were subject to ridicule and sent on ‘fool errands,’ were sent invitations to nonexistent parties and had other practical jokes played upon them. The butts of these pranks became known as a ‘poisson d’avril’ or ‘April fish’ because a young, naive fish is easily caught.” That theory is labeled “undetermined” by Internet spoofbusters, most notably www.snopes.com."

So no one really knows why we do this to each other! Nice!

I guess I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I love to have fun and laugh and enjoy myself, but I guess I just see too many pranks going too far, or too many news stories that are just accurate enough to be almost believable. If you're going to do something for April Fools', maybe it's better to go big or go home! At least then people know they're being fooled.

Okay, time to head back over to facebook and discount all the "I'm pregnant," "I'm moving," "I'm XXXXXX." posts. Social media has made April Fools' Day an almost dangerous game. "News" travels so fast you have to be careful - the lie can spread faster than the truth!

Blessed to be A Blessing

2011-03-31T10:45:00.000-04:00

So, I got the official email, so I guess I can announce now - I'm going to Vegas, baby! I recently got an email from a friend saying she had been invited to a Women of Faith event in Las Vegas, but would be unable to attend due to some family commitments. She wondered if I would be interested in taking her place. I was skeptical, but then read through the email - all expenses paid, including the event, hotel, meals, travel, etc. All I had to do was show up and be willing to hear what God was saying. No further obligations to Women of Faith or anything like that.

It seemed too good to be true, so I was hesitant to believe it would really happen. Still, I got the OK from Tim and emailed the woman in charge telling her I would love to go. And, she said GREAT and asked for a few more details. Then, Monday night I received my flight information and it suddenly felt very real!

Women of Faith has been one of my favorite events since I first started attending a couple years ago. Being able to get away, just worship, and be a part of something that makes me feel like God is always up to something big in my life is refreshing. It's not a conference about my job or how to do a better job at my job. It's just a time to soak up truth, listen to amazing music, and just be real, and present for a couple days.

Surprisingly, I'm not worried about who my roommate will be or where I'll be staying. I'm not overly concerned about that night after the conference that I'll be still in Vegas because getting back to Indy at a reasonable time on Saturday night wasn't possible. Sure, I'll miss my family and friends here, but I'm ready for this adventure.

I have no idea what God is going to do through this weekend. I don't. But, for some reason, part of me feels like this is going to be the start of something that may change my whole world. I don't know why I feel that, but I do! I'm excited to see what the weekend holds!
Just a few more weeks now and I'll be heading Over the Top with the fantastic people at Women of Faith, Las Vegas!

Today in Pictures

2011-03-27T22:34:00.000-04:00

I felt fine, albeit a little tired, when I woke up this morning.

Church was good. I ran sound this morning for the first time in a long time. I love running sound, even when microphones decide to die in the middle of a song.

We've been eating out all together too much, so I made the EMEALZ black bean and corn soup for lunch. It was super yummy and super tasty!

After lunch, we watched some basketball, and then took a pretty decent nap. I really love sleeping, even on a sunny day. Woke up feeling a little "bleh" after my nap, but figured it was just the tiredness. I love taking the dog on walks when the sun is shining, so Madi and I headed for the trail by Sherwood Oaks park (my new favorite place to walk the puppy).

I bet you can't tell who is walking who here. She was in the mood to walk very quickly, so we almost jogged the whole time. The wind was blowing, and I came back feeling a little windblown and a little tired.

And then, over the last two hours, my throat has started to hurt and I've been feeling more and more exhausted. So, I did the responsible thing and worked out anyway...

And now, sitting here, I am, feeling a little really blah and ready for bed. My throat is still hurting and I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning, I will be all better!

Every Other Day...

2011-03-27T07:26:00.000-04:00

...seems to be the blogging pattern I'm quickly falling into! (I had every intention of blogging last night, but it was already after 11 and I knew I had to be up around 5:45am).

Saturdays are my favorite days. It's the only day neither Tim or I have to work (99% of the time, anyway). We do a lot around the house, but we also make a point to hang out together, even if it's just sitting there watching TV and relaxing. Yesterday was super fun, but not relaxing at all. Here is the quick list of what was accomplished:

downstairs floors swept and steam mopped (I want to kiss the person who invented the steam mop. BEST INVENTION EVER).
went to see a movie (Limitless-a little violent, but super good. I could use some NZT in my life somedays...without the freaky side effects)
Went to My Thai for lunch (favorite restaurant ever!)
Shopped at the new Dollar Store (seriously, it has frozen food...does your Dollar Store?)
Took a little nap (Yay for sleepy puppy in the afternoon)
Did five loads of laundry (seriously there are just two of us...where does it all come from??)
Folded four loads of laundry (the fifth one went into the dryer right before bed)
Watched some basketball (Go Butler! Go South!)
Made dinner (orange chicken, pasta and veggies)
Went to the store when I realized we didn't have chicken for the orange chicken (whoops)
Took a quiz and finished an assignment for school
Talked to the lady doing my current Thirty-One catalog party (need anything??)
Chatted with my momma.
Cleaned out the fridge and washed down the shelves and drawers inside it (ewww...and our bottom two drawers are not the right size for the fridge. What is up with that?)
Wrote a paper and re-wrote the supporting documentation for it (this class makes me crazy)
Fell into bed exhausted (wouldn't you?)

So, that was my Saturday in a nutshell. Now it is 7:28am and I am at my desk at work. I will be running sound in the Fellowship Hall here in a couple hours, but one car always seems to make more sense than two. Today I'm looking forward to lunch (the soup is already in the crockpot), a nice long nap, working out, and catching up on some TV. Sorry this post is so lame. I'll work on something inspired soon :)

It's Working, It's Really Working!

2011-03-24T23:30:00.000-04:00

Today, unexpectedly, I received a beautiful compliment from a friend. She told me she didn't comment on my blog, but she found it inspiring and was glad I was doing it. Because she's not family or someone I really hang out with, so knowing that it means something to her meant the world to me! Maybe doing this isn't all in vain after all!

This week has been very normal, except for the fact that the weather went from beautiful and 70 to cold and snowy in the span of about 24 hours. Silly Indiana weather!

I've had some time at home, some time with friends, and some time just to relax. I've been trying to focus on my school work, even though this class is making me all kinds of crazy. I've been doing not enough cleaning and more than my fair share of TV watching. It's just been a week like that. And you know what, sometimes those weeks are simply perfect.

I've also been writing in non-blog land! I'm still in the middle of wrestling with what I wrote about late last week - leading an extraordinary life. I don't know what it's going to come to, but I'm loving the journey God is taking me on right now. Don't be surprised if it's not long before I start begging for your extraordinary life stories :)

I am constantly amazed by the way God works - the small little things He does every day to whisper my story into my life - and He does the same for you. It's about being able to see those moments for what they are - the encouragement of a friend is God saying "don't stop believing." The email that comes at just the right moment is a reminder that God's timing is perfect. Those moments are precious to me, and I hope I am able to open my eyes to them more often and see them for what they are!

Missing: Motivation

2011-03-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Over the last couple weeks, I have completely lost my motivation when it comes to weight loss. In my heart, I really still want to do it, but my day-to-day life seems to be lacking. I want to lose the weight, but I'm letting being busy and social take the place of what I know I should be doing. I'm not sad, but I am disappointed in myself. I know what I need to do, so it's just a matter of doing it.

Why is it so easy to fall into the same old routines? Why is losing the weight not enough motivation for me? Why is my desire to do more and be the best version of myself not translating into my actions? Ugh. and Grr.

This post could go negative very quickly, so I will leave it at that. I need to get back on the ball. How do you motivate yourself when you're tired and stuck in a rut and listening to the excuses instead of the reality?

A Simply Beautiful Day.

2011-03-21T22:43:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of spring, and spring couldn't have come in any more perfect. Sunshine, a nice breeze, warm...perfect. I wore sandals and felt like a new person. It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for a person. It was a Monday, but it was a warm, springy Monday that was wonderful!

I don't have any big words or deep insights for today, but I do have a very thankful heart. Sometimes that's enough. I know that I am a lucky woman, a blessed woman, and it's so nice to be reminded of that sometimes. Work can be stressful and school can be annoying, but in the end, it's all okay. My life is precious and good!

I am working on a new idea for April and my blog. I have already blogged more in the last three months than I have in the last two years. I am not going to worry about blogging every day, but am going to still continue to blog at least 4-5 times a week. In April, I will be discussing a few of my favorite things. The list is still coming together, but it should be fun (and positive).

More than anything, I want my blog to be a place where people can be inspired, challenged and lifted up. I really feel like there is enough negativity in the world, and I don't want my social presence to add to that at all. That is why I don't talk about things that could be negative much. It isn't that I don't have an opinion (because I do). It's just because I feel like this is not the place for that. My private vents are private. And, I will happily discuss "big" issues with you face to face. But just to expound here...where you don't know my heart, my motivation, or my tone...well, it's gotten me in trouble more than once!

As March winds down, I am re-thinking social media and how it fits into my life. While I don't really think I'll stop tweeting or lose my facebook or blog, I think it's important to examine motivation and motives. Expect to hear more about that tomorrow!

I NEED to blog...

2011-03-20T22:05:00.000-04:00

...but I am very tired and very unable to focus on the idea of forming even a complete sentence (that should be obvious).

I don't have a lot to say. It was a great weekend at home with my family. I hate that I didn't get to see some friends I had originally planned to see, but circumstances are always more complicated than that.

So, I will do my best to blog this week. I know I'm fading as a daily blogger. Notice I said fading and failing. I really need to think of things to write about. Desiderata really helped me focus for a week...so, what's next?

Simply...Extraordinary

2011-03-18T23:28:00.000-04:00

I’ve always wanted to do something BIG for God. I want to make a difference in the world and empower women to do the same. I want to be big, because the God I follow is BIG. The desire to want to change the world for Him always leaves me feeling a little…lacking. Not because the dream isn’t big enough, but because I never thought of my life as being big enough.

I mean, look at the facts: I’m really, in the grand scheme of things, nobody. I am a young, quiet mid-western girl with no real connections. I don’t know anyone famous, and I don’t have plans to be famous. I can’t sing, am only an okay actress, and live a pretty un-extraordinary life. How could someone like me want to do something BIG for God?

And then, something hit me today. It’s the glimmer of a an idea that might be leading to something else…something more developed. The entire way to pick my brother up in Terre Haute, I was thinking this same thought – what if simply having another day to live makes my life extraordinary? What if being who I am, right where I am, means that I’m already leading an extraordinary life? What if, instead of waiting to do that BIG thing for God that will leave a mark, and make me feel extraordinary, simply being Emily is enough?

What if the extraordinary part of life is that we get to live it...not alone, but in community with others, and in relationship with God? What if being extraordinary is hardwired into our DNA?

These are the thoughts that are forming themselves into the first serious writing project I've felt like undertaking in over a year. These are the thoughts that are shaping into a story, and that story into something...well, extraordinary.

Are you ready to make your life extraordinary?

Nothing Much...Need Your Help!

2011-03-16T21:25:00.000-04:00

Since I have finished my analysis of Desiderata, I am struggling to find a new topic to expound upon via my blog. I enjoyed knowing at least what my blog would be about for those few days! And now, I'm back to starting at the empty blog post box and trying to figure out what to write. Sometimes I wonder if I am really supposed to be a writer - the blank page is overwhelming.

I am doing the 30 day photo challenge on my facebook, and am looking at doing something similar here. But, more than that, I want to know what you, my reader(s) want to read about. Daily life? My faith-walk? My challenges? Random poetry and book reviews? A little bit of this? A little bit of that? Tell me, please!

While I'm waiting for your answers, I was reminded today that God works in unexpected ways. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen." Why is that so hard to remember? Today, completely out of nowhere, I was offered the opportunity to go on a short trip this spring, all expenses paid. Until I get the details all worked out, I don't want to put it on here (but will once I have all the info), but I am excited and I feel like this was a way of God saying "I hear your heart and know you need some time with me. Here you go." Why do I always feel like I am not going to be surprised by a God who specializes in surprising us!

Life Finds A Way

2011-03-15T14:49:00.000-04:00

I can take random movie and television quotes completely out of context with the best of them. A couple nights ago, Jurassic Park was on TV. (sidenote: I seriously still love this movie - so good). We were at the point where Dr. Grant discovers that the amphibian DNA used to fill in the gaps in the dinosaur DNA has mutated. With almost reverent awe, he sys, "life finds a way."

Now, I should tell you I've seen this movie probably 50 times. Seriously. And read the book. Twice. And I've always glossed right over that line without thinking about it or contemplating it at all. But the other night, that was completely different. He muttered those four words, and I was stuck. I missed the next 10 minutes of the movie while I sat there contemplating the significance of that statement: Life finds a way. What a true statement!

No matter how hard we try and put life in a box, it finds a way to move beyond our comfort zone.
No matter how hard we try and tell our life how everything is going to work out, it finds a way to change us.
No matter how much we try and stifle life, it finds a way to be organic and grow.
No matter how much we think we've got life figured out, it changes and changes and changes.
No matter what we think life will do, it does something different.

Life finds a way to keep changing, keep moving, keep going. Our goal should always be to try and keep up! Life is going to keep moving. The clocks keep going forward and the days keep skipping ahead. All we can do is go with it and be ready for anything...because life will find a way to change us, to challenge us, and to mold us. Our life is but a moment in the grand scheme of all lives, but we will find a way, we must find a way, to make a change, make a difference and make our move.

Desiderata...The End

2011-03-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

And so our breakdown of Desiderata ends with these six words. They pretty much sum up the poem in just a few words. Each stanza has caution and exultation built right in. At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself what is important and what matters most. But, aren't these six little words pretty much how we live our lives?

Be Careful.
There is a lot of darkness, sadness, brokenness and pain in the world. Be careful not to add to the ugly with unkind words, careless actions or thoughtless decisions. Be careful to not believe the lies that you're told. Be careful with who you choose to love, who you choose to trust, what you choose to accept. Be careful when making decisions; use your head and your heart. Be careful because people will disappoint you; but don't be a disappointment. Be careful because trickery abounds and pain is real. Be careful. Everyone won't believe what you believe or accept you for who you are.

Strive to be Happy.
Despite all the junk that can happen to and around you, you still have the ability to control how you respond, what you say, and who you choose to let in to your life. Strive to be happy by putting others first. Strive to be happy by believing you're worth everything. Strive to be happy by living a life that is honorable, good and kind. Strive to be happy in your job, in your home, and in your life. Strive to be happy by making a difference, by being real, by making mistakes. Strive to be happy by being kind to yourself.

In the end, either you win or the world wins. Choose the winner carefully; the choice is always yours.

Desiderata...A Beautiful World

2011-03-13T09:37:00.000-04:00

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.

The first part of this stanza is the only line in the entire poem with which I have a 'big' problem. The whatever you conceive him to be line bothers me. There, I've said it. There has been a lot of question and speculation over this poem throughout the years - is it a "christian" poem, who really wrote it, etc. And, I don't know the answers. I don't know if this stanza is proof that the author (mostly recently credited to be Max Erham) was not writing anything remotely religious or not. I don't know what the author intended, but I know how I take it to mean - and that is that God reveals Himself in many ways to many different people.

Don't misread me, here. I firmly believe in one God, and one God alone.

But, I also believe that God reveals Himself in different ways to different people. God is most present to some people in nature and sunshine; to others, He is most present in friendship and relationships. To some, God is most present in music or the arts. God remains the same, but the way He communes with His people is as individual as the people He created. Some see God as the benevolent father; some see Him as an iron-fisted ruler. Often your history determines how you view your present with God. For me, God is always there, asking me to trust, believing in me, and knowing my questions before I ask.

So, that's that. And the rest of this stanza is beautifully written and a good reminder - no matter what your current trial; no matter how much you hurt or are hurt; no matter where the path takes you, there is still beauty in the world. It may not always be obvious, but it is there. Our challenge is to find the beauty. And, that's hard, especially when you look at the devastation in places like Japan right now. How can anyone there find beauty in anything when their world is torn apart? I don't know that they can. At least not right now. But beauty will rise again. And that beauty will be mixed with tragedy; and together, they will create a different world; a new world. It won't be the same, but there will still be beauty there. I have to believe that. I have to believe in the good that can come out of despair. For without the good, the despair would always win.

Desiderata...Be Gentle With Yourself

2011-03-12T09:36:00.000-05:00

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

This is another stanza that really gets to me, and my constant internal struggle with myself. I love extending grace to other people; I like to anticipate the best in other people and celebrate when it happens. Even when people disappoint me, I do my best to be gentle and kind (sometimes after venting to my husband for a moment). I expect other people to make mistakes and do wrong and fail. That's part of being human. However, when I do those things (and I do them often) I am anything but gentle with myself. I can be downright cruel to myself.

I fall off my diet and tell myself I'll always be fat.
I get the answers wrong and think I'll never get them wrong.
I forget to do something and am convinced the world will crumble.
I make a mistake and expect not to be forgiven.

what is wrong with me? Why is it so easy to be kind to others, but so hard to be kind to myself? I don't get it. Now, I know that I do this, so I work hard to be less cruel to myself. I try to extend myself the same kind of grace. Have a bad week at weight-watchers? Pick up the book and start counting the points again. Get something wrong? Learn the right answer. Do what you forgot to do and get over it. Accept you will make mistakes, and expect people to be kind and forgive me - because that's what people do!

Being kind to yourself is very hard. I don't know why. It's hard to accept your own foibles and faults...and love yourself through them anyway. It's hard to lower your expectations of yourself. I have super high expectations of myself. And, because I always expect more than I think is even possible, I am always disappointed in myself. And that's not healthy, and not how I'm supposed to live.

When I get angry with myself or down on myself, I often quote this stanza to myself, especially the part about having a right to be here. I forget that, sometimes. And, the subtext is this - I was created by a God who is infinitely creative - and this is how He made me. When I am cruel to myself, and I cruel to God. I am telling God that what He created was not good enough - and that I think I could do better.

Reminding myself of that shuts my mouth and puts my heart on the right track pretty quickly.

Desiderata...Strength of Spirit

2011-03-11T14:23:00.000-05:00

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Do you ever notice that when you get tired, you start to believe all sorts of horrible things about yourself, the world, and your place in it? I know I am super guilty of that - and once the negativity starts, it is so hard to get through it and back to the positive stuff.

The key is to not let that stuff get to you in the first place. Easy to say, I know. Hard to implement? You bet! There is nothing harder than changing the core of yourself, and the core of me tends to freak out at the littlest possible thing. I don't come by it through any means I know of - my mom is level-headed and not prone to freak outs at all! I don't remember my dad freaking out ever...about anything. So, apparently it's just me and my own brand of craziness. But, I'm jumping right to the end of the stanza and skipping the first part. I think they go hand-in-hand.

For me, nurturing strength of spirit is all about one thing: my relationship with God. The more time I spend reading and studying the Bible, the more I surround myself with people that are encouraging, passionate, and Godly, the more I am ready for the world to do what it does best - crash and change. My faith-family has supported me through countless challenges, big and small. My youth group was there when my dad died. My co-workers were there when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My friends supported me through a hard breakup and countless minor dramas. They are the strength when I don't have any left. And, their faith helps my faith to grow.

You can count on one thing as you go through life - it will not turn out like you planned. No matter how much you want things to happen your way, on your timetable, through your means, it won't happen that way. So, build up your strength so you can make it through the trials with your faith still strong. I am not good at this. I spend too much time doing everything but just focusing on the things that I know will make me a stronger person. I need to spend as much time in the Word as I worrying about things I have no control over - it would change my life. I know it, but I don't do it. Why?

Desiderata...Be Yourself

2011-03-10T20:52:00.000-05:00

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

This particular stanza has a lot to unpack. I think I could write an entire week of blogs on just the first two words along - BE YOURSELF. Something that seems so simple is so hard to do in reality. It's hard to be authentic all the time. As much as I want to remember that there will always be greater and lesser persons than myself, I still have a hard time just being myself. Because what if people don't like me? What if they think I'm odd or don't like my sense of humor or judge me before they really know me? What if...what if...what if...

Especially do not feign affection is one of my favorite lines in this poem. Such a humble reminder to love purely, honestly, and gently. Do not be fake with your love or withhold it, but be real in it. Give your love without condition, and know that it is real. We may get hurt when we love, but don't let that make you cynical. Instead, be reminded that love is the one thing that lasts through it all. Every day we get to choose love. And that choice means that throughout everything, love should be perennial, returning, and ever-lasting.

As I think about Lent, my thoughts immediately go to love - the kind of eternal, perennial love that doesn't change and is not fake. God was not feigning affection when He sent his son to die in my place; he was not withholding love during that long, painful walk, carrying the cross. Authentic love is the only love that would allow a father to sacrifice his son, to be willing to go through the agony of separation from yours, in order to bridge the gap between heaven and earth. That is the kind of love referred to here; affection that knows no limits or boundaries.

Desiderata...High Ideals

2011-03-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

The overwhelming theme of Desiderata seems to be that there is a lot of contradiction in the world. Exercise caution because there is deceit in the world. But, at the same time, seek virtue and the world is full of heroes. It's a hard to do both at the same time! For me, it is pretty easy to be cautious and easy to expect the trickery - seeing the virtue can be hard.

I've been thinking a lot today about what I should give up for Lent: there are tangible things - soda, chocolate, pasta - twitter, Facebook, television - but none of it seems completely right. I don't know. I think instead of thinking about what I should give up, I need to focus on the heart-change that comes with the sacrifice. I want to focus on being less selfish with my time, less willing to jump to the wrong conclusion or think less of people. I want to see the world through Jesus' eyes instead of my own. I want to find the good, the virtue, the heroism in the world. I want to put my mind in a place where I can see the good in the world instead of the bad. This stanza of the poem is a great reminder as we begin this season of Lent - there is darkness and trickery in the world, and that darkness wants to blind us to the good, the heroism, the virtue that is ours for the taking.

The world is full of contradictions. And, more often than not, so is my heart. But now, in this time, I can choose to see the good and beauty in the world instead of the darkness and trickery. I will choose to be the best version of myself.

Giving Up...For Lent

2011-03-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

I've never been someone who has given anything up for Lent. I've never really understood the custom, not being Catholic or really understand a lot about the whole reasoning. I've always admired the people that choose to make the sacrifice, but have always, in my somewhat cynical way, wondered about the motives behind their sacrifices.

But this year, I'm thinking a little differently about it. A little. I still kind of feel like it's confusing - almost like making a New Year's Resolution; I don't know when I made a resolution that I really thought I could keep. All of my good intentions in the world can't make me follow through on so many of those resolutions I attempt to make each January. And, I've always thought of Lent kind of the same way - party hard on Tuesday and then be pious on Wednesday? Do people who observe Lent really spend their time of sacrifice thinking about the significance of Easter, the cross, or the empty tomb? Or is it just something they check off their list? Does giving up chocolate or Facebook or...whatever...really create a sacrificial heart? I think those things definitely could be done with pure motives, but I wonder if there needs to be a second part of the giving up that goes along with it...does that make any sense?

Since I have never participated in Lent, I don't have the answers, at all. But I am curious about the experience and what it means. So, I've decided to attempt to actively participate in Lent for the first time this year. In addition to giving up something (still trying to figure out what) I am going to be using this book to guide my Lent experience. I think some sort of devotion is important, and this one had good ratings on Amazon, so we will see what happens.

I don't want to just give anything up - not because I don't want to make the sacrifice, but because I want it to be more than not drinking diet mt. dew for 40 days...but what is significant? If you observe Lent, what are you giving up? Why? How did you choose? Would you like to join me in my Lent devotions and experience in 2011?

Desiderata...And Work...

2011-03-06T19:55:00.000-05:00

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Enjoying my achievements is something that is really hard for me. I am always looking at my to-do list and looking toward the next thing - I rarely celebrate where I've been because I'm too busy looking toward where I have to be next. But, taking the time to celebrate our successes is really important, because if we don't take the time to do that, then we miss part of the experience. I was reminded of that this morning, when the whole church got to celebrate the success of all Tim did for the March Madness service. It was great to see people excited, and to see him taking the moment to breathe in the success of a great morning. There will be something else soon, but he took the time to really enjoy today, and that was good to see.

The second part of this stanza is the dilemma of so many people in my generation and in my position in the world. Statistics will tell you that we won't be those people who work the same job for 45-40 years. We won't be the people who retire from our first job, no matter how much we like it or think we'll be there forever. Instead, we are a generation that will change jobs and careers numerous times - we will risk more and take more chances with jobs that might not be our "forever" jobs. For me, this stanza is both a reminder and a challenge.

I go through phases where I wonder if I am in the right job, doing the right thing, taking the right risks...and I don't know that the answer to that is always yes, even now. But it is something I think about a lot. I think part of keeping interested in your career is to keep challenging yourself with new things, and new projects. When I get stuck in a rut is when I am least satisfied with my job and my current position at work. New challenges and projects rekindle the spark and make me feel like I still have something to contribute. Those ruts are when I have to remind myself that I am lucky to be able to work and to be able to do something, anything, with my life!

Some More Desiderata. But first, Tomorrow...

2011-03-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

...is a big service at church. It's 10pm and my husband is nowhere near done with everything that he had on his to-do list for tomorrow. I am not sure when I will see him. Maybe at church tomorrow...which makes me sad. He does an excellent, amazing job at everything he does, but I hate that it always comes down to these late nights and weeks. It makes me sad and lonely, because I feel like part of me is missing. (Sad face).

So, given that, maybe it's only fitting that this is the part of the poem that is up for me to analyze tonight:
If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Tonight, I've been sitting on my couch with Madison, and I've been comparing myself to lots of people - people who work normal schedules; people who have spent more than an hour of time with their spouses in the last couple of weeks (that is only a slight exaggeration). I've been feeling a little sorry for myself about the whole thing - and then I thought about this part of Desiderata again - and remembered that there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me. There are people who don't see their significant others because they are serving our country overseas or travel all the time. There are people who have lost their spouses and have this sense of loneliness that never really goes away. And then these momentary frustrations seem much more tolerable.

While this is probably not the original intention of the poem, it is what is on my heart tonight. I'm hoping Tim makes it home at some point tonight - it would be nice for him to get a little sleep before having to be back there first thing tomorrow. But, I will also do my best to not be sad or feel annoyed because he's there working his booty off instead of here. It's just a momentary thing, and it could be so much worse!

Desiderata...Speak & Listen

2011-03-04T21:58:00.000-05:00

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

This is one of my favorite parts of the entire poem. After reminding readers that it is important to go amid the crazy world with peace and to do your best to be on good terms with people, the poem then reminds readers of their responsibility to speak and to listen. Neither one of which I am particularly good at any given moment.

For me, there is nothing harder than speaking the truth of God quietly AND clearly. I didn't grow up going to church, and sharing my faith is still very difficult for me. I know what I believe, and I love my God and my constantly changing relationship with Him, but sharing Him is so hard. I don't want to offend (even if the gospel can be offensive) and I don't want to not have the answers (even though I know it's okay to not know it all). I want everyone I know and love to have this same sense of something more in their lives, but sharing it is just plain hard for me.

But, what's harder than speaking? Listening. Listening means taking the time to invest in people and to their story. I think the part about listening to even the dull and ignorant is even harder. First off all, it's a judgement you're making, but it's also another way of saying - listen to everyone, not just people who are already like you. It means listening to the people in the world who have no story, at least according to you. The people who maybe aren't the center of the room or don't attract the normal group of people. Listen to them anyway.

At the same time, it's probably healthy to avoid those loud and aggressive people who are the center of attention all the time. Just because they're loud, that doesn't mean what they have is worth actually listening to you. People who rub you the wrong way, for whatever reason, need to be treated with caution. There are people in my life, in my circle, in my universe, that cause my spirit...stress. They are high-maintenance, demanding or self-involved most of the time. They are demanding of my time to the point of exhaustion - and they do detriment to my spirit. Instead of sticking myself in situations where I have to "endure", maybe it would be better to be more aware of those situations and don't put myself in the middle of something I don't need to be in the middle of - you know?

Desiderata...Go Placidly

2011-03-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

I remember growing up and visiting my dad, step mom and the kids at their house in Michigan. It was always a lot of fun, and I cherish those memories so much, especially as I get older. One thing I remember is a poem, Desiderata, that always hung in the dining area of their house. For the next few days I am going to break apart the poem stanza by stanza as it has always meant a lot to me and has shaped me in many ways. First, here is the poem in its entirety:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-- Max Ehrmann

The first stanza sets the tone for a good life. Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

The message is simple, and I've recently found the same message appearing in my scripture readings: Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." It's not surprising how similar these two thoughts are. And, this is what I try to do - as far as possible, live at peace will all people. It's not always easy, but I do the best I can. That means I have to be patient with people, and accept that they are, after all, human and prone to making mistakes. That isn't always easy for me, but it's a good aspiration.

The only way I think you can really do your best to live in peace with others if you do the first part of the poem - go placidly amid the craziness and focus on peace instead. The world is crazy, loud and full of busyness. Slowing down, looking for peace, and finding silence helps you to be centered and remember what is really important and what can be left behind.

So today, remember to live in peace...to be still and silent when the world is loud and busy...and do what you can to be a peaceful person. You can't change the entire world, but you can change your part of the world.

March...In Like A Lamb...

2011-03-01T16:30:00.000-05:00

March has come in full of sunshine and promise. I cannot believe that two months of this year are already gone. In the first two months of 2011, I have blogged 64 times. That is more than the last two years combined, so I am going to consider that a success. I apparently missed 5 days in those two months, which isn't so bad, in my humble opinion. It's not every day, but considering how crazy life can be, I think it's a really good start.

There isn't much to recap, seeing as how I have blogged so much! I am disappointed that I didn't get nearly as much reading done in February as I did in January. My Thirty-One business took up a large portion of my time, and my class this semester is one bit of busy work followed by another, so February felt crazy and overwhelming at the same time.

There are still definite changes in the air. And, I go back and forth between being terrified of them and being willing to embrace them for what they are. I suppose that's a fairly normal reaction to life in general, both professionally and personally. There has to be a little trepidation in change, otherwise the change might not be worth it at all!

I am looking forward to what March has to hold - more Thirty-One shows, time with both sides of my family, blooming flowers, SPRING, sunshine and more.

My goals for March are simple:

Read MORE
Write MORE
Lose MORE weight
Love MORE
Believe MORE
Trust MORE

I want to leave March a better friend, wife and daughter than I am coming into it as. That's a tall order, but a challenge I am ready to experience!

And the Oscar Goes To...

2011-02-27T22:08:00.000-05:00

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of winning one of those little gold statues that meant you had finally made it as an actress in Hollywood. The Oscar is that little thing that means you've arrived, that you've reached the height of your career and your peers find you worthy of their highest honor. It seems like such an amazing moment and amazing night. When I was little, I made up many speeches, and accepted awards for everything from acting to directing to writing to...well, whatever I wanted it to be. I will admit, my favorite speech was the one I wrote accepting the best actress Oscar for playing Harrison Ford's daughter in an Indiana Jones movie (at the time, I didn't realize that pop-culture was often excluded from Oscar glory).

I will admit that part of my fascination with "hollywood's biggest night" is the spectacle of the whole thing. I'm sure it's exciting and impressive, but it's also just a little bit...well, crazy...there is so much pressure and so much hype leading up to the night that it's bound to be disappointing on some level. I've also grown up and realized that an award, no matter how big or important, is just one measure of success in life. I don't see most Oscar-winners until way after they have been in the theatre, and even then, I don't always "get" them. I like movies that entertain me and make me think, but I've realized that the very artistic films are above my head or too emotional for me.

As I sit here watching the Oscars (and flipping over to the NCIS marathon on USA as soon as the people start talking and thanking everyone they've ever met), I realize just how silly the whole thing is. Sure, it's an honor to be nominated, and I'm sure it's a thrill to win, but it doesn't change anything, fundamentally. One movie, in one moment, is considered better than the competition. For that moment. Often the winners go on to make complete duds, or take roles that are beyond silly...but for some reason, they are set apart, because they get to have "academy-award winner" attached to their names for the rest of their lives. What does that mean? Usually, the title means first dibs at great roles, plus a lot more money (because, really, actors aren't paid very much for what they do...right...), and the ability to take more risks. Because, even if your next movie flops, you are still an Oscar winner and that is all that matters.

I realize that I may never win an Oscar (or, let's be honest...the chances are minuscule at best that I would ever even be in a film, much less nominated for an Oscar), so I thought I would share my thank-you speech here tonight.

I would like to thank a few people without whom I would not be here today. I would like to thank first, and foremost, my mother, Renee. I am only here because you believed in me. You never considered my dreams silly or impossible, and always told me I could do anything I wanted to do. Even when I didn't believe in myself, you did. To my step-dad, Harry, you never treated me like anything other than your little girl. I am honored to have you in my life, and love to call you dad. From daddy date nights to walking me down the aisle, you have been there, silently cheering me on to success. To Cameron, you make me laugh, and make me want to be the best version of myself all the time. I love being your sister, and love more being your friend. You are growing into a great young man, and the world is yours for the taking.

To my husband, you continue to surprise me every day. You make me laugh, make me smile, and make me feel safe all at the same time. You are the perfect example of what it means to love someone with total trust and sacrifice. Our life is an adventure that continues to change every day. Thank you for loving me through this crazy journey.

Finally, but most importantly, I have to give all thanks to my Creator, the one God in heaven, who chose to give me this little gift. I don't deserve what you give, but am forever grateful that You choose to give anyway. May I never take this moment or this gift for granted. I live to serve, live to love, and live to give back to You.

Thank you.

I won't be able to give that speech any time in the future, but every word is true.

What would you say in your Oscar speech?

Silly Saturdays

2011-02-26T21:11:00.000-05:00

I've decided to start dedicating Saturdays to all things that make me laugh and smile...and are silly. It's a new feature, and a new focus for the ol' blog. (I've also decided that I'm not going to be sad if I don't blog every day. I really didn't have much to say yesterday and didn't want to bore you or me with some lame blog post).

So, for my first edition of "Silly Saturday," I would like to dedicate this post to three little boys that always make me laugh. My friend Beth has three little boys, and they are hilarious. They crack me up, and they make me smile every time I see them. Most recently, I went to lunch spur of the moment with them at Chick-fil-a, which is one of our favorite restaurants. They have really good senses of humor, and big personalities to match their big hearts. Whether they are trying to tell me jokes, or regale me with random facts they have learned in school, or whether the youngest is just making silly faces, they always brighten my day.

Yesterday, they were trying to figure out the toy that came in their kid's meal, and also trying to earn points for being polite at the dinner table. And then, out of nowhere the youngest just starts dancing in the aisle of the food court. I know it wasn't supposed to make me laugh, but it totally did! Then the middle one told me a joke I may or may not have really understood. They are the best! I may just have to show up at their house next time I need my SILLY fix! Silly and wonderful! Love them all!

maybe it's the tough kind.

2011-02-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite episodes of NCIS was on tonight. In the episode, Ziva must recount what happened to her before she was rescued by Tony and the team after she decides to stay in Israel instead of going back to the US. At one point, Gibbs is standing behind the one-way glass, looking into the interrogation room where Ziva is waiting for Vance. Ducky enters the room and a brief conversation happens between the two men. Ducky points out that what Ziva really needs is Gibbs' love. Then, the following is said:

"Maybe it's the tough kind." - Gibbs
"You do realize there are other kinds, right?" - Ducky

How true is that? And how guilty are we of allowing ourselves to show the tough version of love? We say that tough love is good; that it helps create character and makes people stronger. We justify our lack of emotional attachment or our rough edges by saying that it is just tough love and that it's okay in the end. But, what does tough love really do but create tough people we are trying to love? Tough love doesn't create grace or compassion. Instead, tough love can simply build up walls that are even harder to break through in the end.

Instead of tough love, we are asked to be people who love without condition or without judgement. We are people who should give our love to the world easily and with joy; not teaching people that they have to earn our "tough" love. We need to focus on compassion and grace and peace, smoothing out the rough edges of other people's tough love. We need to give our love, knowing it doesn't always make sense and it may mean that we could be hurt.

Tough love is about earning love.
Our love should be about giving love.

There are other kinds of love, after all. And those are the kinds of love we should be happy and excited to share with the people in our life, and with the world as a whole.

The Love of Theatre

2011-02-23T23:15:00.001-05:00

There is no experience quite like live theater. I love going to the movies and I love my TV shows, but what I love the most is seeing live theater. I've seen some really good...and some really bad...theater during my life. Even the bad theater has something redeeming about it, though--people who are willing to risk themselves enough to stand up on stage and pretend to be someone else for a few hours. I can't help but be in awe a little bit of the people on stage! They are amazing to me, even the mediocre ones!

Last night, I went to see "Spring Awakening" with my friend Liz and two of her friends. I didn't know much about the show, except that there was some "explicit" stuff in there that I needed to be prepared for (and I was...ish). While the show was beautiful and haunting and emotional, one of the things I loved the most was seeing the show with her friend Tim, who loves it and feels an attachment to the story, the characters and the music. There is just something about seeing theater with someone who loves it that makes such a difference to me. And, he reminded me a lot of myself when I see RENT. The inhaled, semi-held breath, the wide-eyed stare to catch every moment, the willing your heart to beat quieter so you don't miss a bit of subtle music or dialog, leaning forward so he could get a little closer to the stage...he did it all. And, because he was totally committed to the experience, it made me like the show even more.

I can't put into words exactly what I'm trying to say - but there is something about totally surrendering yourself to the experience of theater that can and will change you. There are universal truths in theater that are easier to see through the eyes of characters and a little bit of distance. There are stories and moments that have changed me, and moments that have caused me to see a little more of the world than I had before.

I don't want to give away the story, but the final song of "Spring Awakening" was one of those moments where I am pretty sure I just didn't breathe the entire time. Here are the lyrics:

And All Shall Fade

The Flowers of Spring
The World and all the Sorrows
At the heart of everything

but still it stays
the butterfly sings
and opens purple summer
with a flutter of its wings

The earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
And mare will neigh
With Stallions that they mate
Foals they've born

And all shall know the wonder of purple summer.....

And yet i wait
the swallow brings
a song too hard to follow
that no one else can sing

the fences sway
the porches swing
the clouds begin to thunder
crickets wander murmuring

the earth will wave with corn
the grey-fly choir will mourn
and mares with neigh
with stallions that they mate
foals they've born

And all shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer.

And All shall know the wonder
I will sing the song of purple summer.

All shall know the wonder of purple summer.....

In that moment, I wanted more than anything to experience that wonder. After all the sadness and darkness of the show, it leaves you with a moment where you are asked to believe in the wonder of something better...of the wonder of a purple summer.

And then I left the theater...breathless and sad, hopeful and lost in the wonder. That is an experience that only happens when I experience live theater. So, I want to think Tim for reminding me last night of the wonder of the stage - and where it can take us.

Didn't Blog Yesterday...

2011-02-23T12:03:00.000-05:00

.... am working on one for today. But, in the meantime, here is a picture of madi, in desperate need of a groom...

My Personal Rock & A Hard Place

2011-02-21T20:42:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wish I was better at expressing myself verbally. I usually can handle expressing myself fairly well when I'm writing, but face-to-face sometimes leaves me speechless. Mostly, this happens when I get my feelings hurt or am faced with big changes. I tend to keep to myself and not express myself as fully as I should. And, ~~sometimes~~ I regret it after the fact. I regret not being honest with the people in my life, and with myself. I regret being too quiet when I should speak up, and speaking up when I should be silent.

I am good at expressing myself to my friends and the people I have taken the time to really let into my life these last few years. Or, I should say that I think I am good at it. Sometimes, though, they are the people that I am most silent around - I don't want to say something, even if I'm hurt, because what if it changes their opinion or me or they don't like me anymore, or they get mad at me...yes, I have this entire conversation with myself in the point four seconds between when I'm hurt and when I can say something. My fear of hurting someone else always trumps my sadness at getting hurt. I'm not sure if that is a blessing or a curse, but it is who I am.

But, what would my life look like if I said everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it? My guess is it would be a lonely life. I would probably say things in the heat of the moment, but then regret it later. I would probably make more people angry and have less close relationships. I would probably not be very nice to be around. So, you see my rock and my hard place now, don't you? If I say something, I might hurt someone else or say something I would regret...but if I don't say anything, I get hurt and regret not saying anything. It's a catch-22 with no easy way out, at least the way I see it. So, I stay silent and don't risk rocking the boat. I'm not sure what that says about me and how much I trust my friends sometimes...and I'm less sure I like what I can infer from that line of thinking.

I need to be more willing to speak up, even when it might cause friction; even when it might rock the boat; even when it makes me really uncomfortable to admit that I am not 100% happy and content all the time.

Does any of this make sense? Or am I just whiny and complaining?

blog on the run

2011-02-20T22:11:00.001-05:00

This post will be short and sweet. I am postiing from my phone on the way back from fort branch. Technology is pretty impressive!

I had a ThirtyOne party for my sister-in-law today. It was a hugely successful party and I was sooo happy to throw it for her! Everyone seemed to have a great time and Jess ended up with a bunch of great stuff! I am excited to get the order in and get it all here. In the first month I have been part of the ThirtyOne company, I have made new friends, had a lot of fun, and learned a lot about my own abiliity to sell things. I am not a natural-born saleswoman, so it has been a bit of a stretch for me. Like I said yesterday- it is all part of the experience!

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy. I am excited to see some things unfold (like the march madness service at church) and to see lots of family and friends! Not to mention spring being just around the corner!

Okay posting from my phone is starting to make me a little queasy...

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Feelings...

2011-02-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't write yesterday. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say. On the contrary, I had a lot to say, but I wasn't in the best of moods about some of it. And, more than anything, I do try and keep this blog as uplifting and positive as I can. I don't know that there is much good in complaining, especially in a format like this - where inflection and words can be so easily misunderstood.

But, in the last few days, I've realized that my one word challenge to experience life in all its ups and downs means that there are going to be hard and stressful days; there are going to be moments when I don't know what is next or feel like I'm just treading water and waiting on life to start up again. Those moments are fleeting in the grand scheme of things, but when I have those days, they tend to be all-consuming.

It seems that the status-quo will again be changing some - which is good, I'm sure. Growing pains, however, are hard. There will be a few changes coming at work in the next few months - most of which excite me. There is that moment of....fear...though...that comes with any change...wanting to know where my role will take me and where my place will settle. The next few months will be exciting, challenging and hard. I am ready for some changes...I think!

The one class I am taking this semester is turning out to be more annoying than anything else. There is a lot of confusion about some of the requirements and expectations amongst my classmates. While I didn't expect them all to be wonderful, I'm finding this one a little more blah than fun!

And, on top of that, the newness and excitement over the weight loss has worn off - and instead I'm just learning to deal with the day to day writing down and calculating everything. I've lost some of my initial motivation - I still want to lose the weight; it's just harder to write it down and say no to the high fat foods I've been craving. I'm still plugging away at it, though, and really hoping that this week I hit that 10 pound mark. That would be very helpful in motivating me to keep it up!

I guess what it comes down to right now is that I'm experiencing a lot of emotions and feelings right now. It's good to feel it all; but it's exhausting!

It's Not That I Have Nothing to Say...

2011-02-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

...It's just that I honestly don't feel like blogging tonight. I can't decide if it's a sign of discipline if I go ahead and write, or if it's just okay to skip it...

So, I will compromise. This is one of my favorite quotes (as found on my quotes page!)

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all." ~ Joshua Heschel

The last part of the quote is the most important to me - I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.

Sometimes I miss being a kid. I miss the ability to see everything with a little bit of wonder. Think of the first time a child sees a butterfly emerging from a cocoon or the absolute joy of puppy dogs and mud pies...when do we lose that wonder? When do we stop being so willing to find the wonder and instead focus on the cynical parts? Why do we stop believing that there is something awe-inspiring about our day to day lives? Instead of complaining and worrying, why don't we choose to see the wonder of warm February days, sunshine and breezes, snow falling down, and life beginning anew?

Maybe we would all be better people, and live happier, more fulfilled lives, if we stopped and embraced the mystery - and the wonder - of it all.

More than Nothing

2011-02-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

I am a lot of things.

I am a peace-maker.
I am quiet.
I am shy.
I am hopeful.

I am passionate.
I am complicated.
I am simple.
I am a sister.

I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am impatient.
I am anxious.

I am unsure.
I am waiting.
I am content.
I am a contradiction.

I am emotional.
I am simple.
I am a believer.
I am an optimist.

I am a child of God.
I am a daughter of King.

Those are just some of the words and phrases I would use to describe myself at any given moment. I know, in the long run, I am the sum of all my various "parts." I am the sum of all the unique things that I was created to be.

I am a lot of things.

Yet, in the end, I know I am nothing, and I mean, nothing, without those last two statements being true. I am a child of God; I am a daughter of a King. Without my faith, and without my belief that I am part of God's bigger story, I would be nothing. I would be just another person walking down busy streets, watching my life pass me by. I would not find myself lost in the wonder of an almost 70 degree February day. I would be busy, and without purpose. I would be hardened by the 'stuff' that life has thrown at me. I would be different. And, not in a good way.

I know that I don't talk enough about my faith; I've never been good at evangelizing; instead I spend a lot of time hoping the life that I live is an echo of God and that people see something different in me and know I'm a different person because of Him. And, I'm not sure that's always enough. I know it's something I need to do better, and I something I want to do better.

I don't feel like I know much about God sometimes, but I know this - it is only because of Him that I am more than nothing.

The "Little" Brother

2011-02-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. ~Susan Scarf Merrell

an old but good pic of Cam & I

I woke up this morning with my youngest brother, Cameron, on my heart. He's 12 years younger than me, and a great young man. I almost called him a "kid" but seeing as he's almost 20, I would say he's not a kid at all. (Not to mention he's about a foot taller than me). Regardless, we have always had what I would consider a great relationship. I'm sure the age difference helps with that because there was never any of that sibling rivalry or anything like that. I've always been impressed by his strength and self-security. He's always been a really confident, cool, calm guy. And, as he's grown up and we've grown closer, I've found that I consider him just as much a friend as a relative.

Cameron is in school at Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, which is kind of a big deal. He's obviously wicked smart, but he's also crazy motivated to succeed and be the best he can be. I know school is hard for him, but I'm always impressed with his work ethic and his ability to push through the crazy schedule and be successful. He's finishing up his 5th semester at school in the next couple weeks, and I know it's hard and stressful, but I have every confidence he will succeed again this semester. One of the benefits of having him only an hour away instead of 3+ is that we usually get to see him a little more. Whether it's him coming here to hang out with us (do laundry) or us meeting him over there for dinner or just to say hi, it's been nice having him close. I realized recently that this is the closest we've lived in basically our whole lives - and the most I've seen him, not counting breaks from college (mine) since I was 18. I moved to Bloomington when Cam was in 1st grade! It's amazing how fast time flies by!

I'm proud of the man my "little" brother is becoming. He continues to impress me on many different levels!

My Love/Hate Relationship with Exercise

2011-02-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

I have a membership to a local gym. I don't use it nearly as often as I should; but I still have it. Every time I drive by the gym, I think about how I should be in there working out, but it still doesn't always motivate me to go. But, here's the thing - I actually really like working out. When I do make the time to go to the gym, I find that I really like it. I don't know if it's the "exercise high" that people talk about or what, but I always am glad I'm there after about 5 minutes.

Take tonight, for example. I jogged a (very slow...very) mile and a half. I walked another almost 2 miles. In 55 minutes, burning just under 600 calories (thanks to my awesome heart rate monitor/calorie counter that's actually synced to my body). It didn't take that long, and it was some good me time, and I feel great. Not only that, but it makes me want to eat better, work harder and be a stronger version of myself. If that's the case with just one workout, then why don't I do it every night?

For awhile there, I was doing well. When I was doing the Couch to 5K training, I was going to the gym at least three times a week, but I wasn't seeing advances as quickly as I wanted. I was so focused on that 30 minute 5K that I got discouraged when I couldn't run it in any sort of time that would even come close to working. Tonight, I just didn't worry about - I went slow, but I did it!

Honestly? I'm busy. But, more than that, I'm lazy. I could make the time every day to at least come up with a half an hour to workout. I could burn a few hundred calories and I could make that much more of a stride in losing this weight. It's just a matter of deciding for myself that it's important - for me. I have an amazingly supportive husband who would be more than happy to let me have time every day to do it. I just need to do it. My feet are sore and I'm exhausted, but I'm going to try my best to go to the gym again tomorrow. Join me?

Perspective

2011-02-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think my life is hard and/or complicated. I have a lot of plates spinning at all times, and it's hard to keep them from crashing down around me. I feel like I have a lot going on, and that I'm too tired and too stressed sometimes...and then I talk to people that have it so much harder than me and realize that I am a lucky and blessed girl.

Two friends have a child that is very sick. The doctors don't really know what is going on, other than his lungs are really bad. They are back at Riley again this weekend, and their precious child's prognosis and diagnosis and treatment seem to change from moment to moment. They are the strongest people I have ever met. They have been dealing with this situation for awhile now, and have always been honest with what is happening from moment to moment. I love being able to check their CaringBridge site an not seeing updates. It always makes my heart sink a little when I see a new entry; it's never good news.

In their situation, I'm not sure I would be able to hold it together as well as they are, or even continue to have the faith and confidence that they have. They amaze me, as does their little one. Tonight, at this moment, they don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. They know he is very sick, and they know the doctors are looking at taking some pretty big next steps. Please, if you pray, pray for this dear family. They have a CaringBridge site and are pretty open with what is happening, but I have chosen to keep their names private at this time. We serve a big God who doesn't need names to work miracles, and I am convinced they could use a miracle in their life right about now.

Reading their story really puts the little moments of frustration and inconveniences I have to deal with on occasion in complete perspective. If they can find joy and grace and faith and moments of laughter in the middle of a struggle like this, I can find it in my everyday, normal life. Sometimes it's good to be reminded that you're a small piece of a bigger picture.

Tradition

2011-02-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

(SPOILER ALERT: Don't read this if you have never seen Fiddler on the Roof and don't want to know the ins and outs of the story)

On Tuesday, Tim and I went to see Fiddler on the Roof for an early Valentine's Day present. I love theatre, so any live show is a great gift to me! Anyway, I have seen Fiddler a couple times, but it has always been done by community theatres or high school companies, never a touring show. And, don't get me wrong, they have been good productions, but I was still excited to see it done by a "professional" company.

There are many parts of the show that speak to me, but none more so than the idea of traditions! The show opens with the song "Tradition." In this small town, every one has a place and a role. Their job is to fulfill that role. No questions, no deviations. Tevye, the papa, prides himself on upholding those traditions. It is only when his daughters chose to marry for love instead of marrying who he has chosen that he has to take a moment to see if his traditions are really worth losing his family over. His eldest falls in love with a childhood sweetheart, and begs to not be married to the older man in the community that could give her a 'rich' life. The middle daughter falls in love with the radical, and chooses to love him despite the fact that it will be a hard life. The third falls in love with someone who isn't Jewish, and loses her family because she chose love instead of tradition.

All three daughters challenge Tevye's beliefs and expectations. And, he learns that some traditions are okay to bend, and some he's not willing to lose.

Sometimes I look around and see a lot of traditions in my own life. I see things that happen because that's the way they've always happened, and I see things that no one questions. I wonder if my traditions are born of a solid foundation, or are they simply the way things have always been? There is definite value in tradition, but I think questioning them is also okay - because then you learn why you believe the things you do and do the things you do. You learn to not follow blindly, but create and pass on traditions based on your life, your history, and your faith.

Examining traditions is important; and learning what you believe and why you believe it is critical. In college, I was in a hilarious skit called "What Was I Thinking?" (I think...I honestly don't know if that is 100% accurate). Liz, Aub and I had a great time with it, and in all it's cheesy-ness, there was a glimmer of truth in it - finding out what you believe - and being able to articulate it clearly.

A Little Bit of This...A Little Bit of That...

2011-02-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

I have been playing around with and redesigning my blog a lot over the last few days. I'm so glad they've increased the functionality and made it easier for people to customize this thing. And, the dark pink was a fun color, but it was dark and I was definitely needing some spring to surround my writing.

Since my weigh in on Wednesday, this week has been much better. I'm back on track with tracking everything; using the little calculator and the online site this time. Looking up everything and surprising myself again with exactly how many points are in some things. And, I splurged and had a little chocolate today, too! Since my sad, self-depreciating post about my weight loss earlier this week, I've been in much better spirits. I'm looking forward to having a good week this week and looking forward to feeling better and looking better (wow, that's a lot of "betters" in that sentence).

I'm hosting my first Thirty-One open house tomorrow. Should be interesting. I've only had a couple confirmed yeses, but either way, I'm looking forward to seeing people and showing off this pretty stuff. I love the product, and love that people love the product. I also love that the company is faith-based and they stand behind their product. After tomorrow, I have a party with my awesome sister-in-law in Owensville on the 20th and a party with my lovely mom and grandma on the 26th. I'm almost halfway to my sales goal for the first 45 days of being a consultant. I'm not going to lie; the StartSwell kit is a great motivator!

We went to see Fiddler on the Roof on Tuesday as an early Valentine's present for me. I love going to live shows; there is such an energy and excitement in the room. I love that Bloomington is a place where we can see great shows, and a place where people seem to really enjoy theatre. I've always been in very accepting crowds, and I've seen some shows with great talent and some shows with mediocre talent. But, the Bloomington community seems to be supportive of the arts in ways that I find sometimes surprising (and expect a future post about "Tradition").

On Sunday we are celebrating Tom's 30th anniversary with the church. It's amazing to me that anyone could do a job for 30 years, but especially a job like leading a church that has grown and changed so much. I'm lucky to have a senior minister that I respect and consider not just a boss but a friend. I'm looking forward to celebrating with him and his family on Sunday.

That is a little bit of this and a little bit of that for today. It's a little bit of everything; just like my life.

Sometimes...

2011-02-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when I don't know what to write or how to start a blog, I do this:

jsadouqpoifadavdsnasdl;kjfsdaoiuqwepoiuqw

It doesn't mean anything, but it gets rid of that blank page staring at me - which is kind of helpful. I usually delete it and then write a real post, but sometimes, like tonight, I just want to leave it there. There isn't a lot else for me to say today. It was a busy day. I got up early and went to a seminar in Indianapolis - which means I had to get up at 5ish...which is really early for me. Couple that with the fact that I don't sleep well when I'm worried about oversleeping, and I am almost too tired to write anything of any importance tonight.

I will say this, though. It was extremely cold this morning. I am SOOO ready for spring. There are way too many days between now and when we go on vacation in June. I wish now, more than ever, that we were heading to Florida to watch the shuttle launch in a couple weeks. Ah well, more time for me to lose weight and get in good shape!

Who Do I Write For?

2011-02-09T17:01:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been struggling a little with the whole blog thing. I really enjoy writing it. It's a good lesson in consistency for me. But, I've been struggling a lot with why I write this thing and who I write for.

If I write for me...
...it's personal, what is happening at that moment in my life.
...there are probably going to be a few grammar errors, etc.
...it isn't going to be very interesting for anyone else to read.
...it's going to be a little bit of a jumble of my thoughts, feelings and emotions for the day.
...it's going to be raw - and I will say whatever I want whenever I want it.
...I will vent (and whine) more.

If I write for anyone else...
...it's going to be edited a little more.
...I won't say things that might be misconstrued or misrepresented.
...I won't run to writing to vent or release emotions as easily.
...I will try to be uplifting and inspiring.
...I will work harder to make what I have to say interesting.
...I will put value on how people respond to my blog.

For me, the struggle to define my audience is an ongoing one. So often, I want to just come here to vent my fears and frustrations and everything else, but I've made this a public journal, so I don't feel that is "appropriate" most of the time. I do spend some time worrying about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it, and if what I'm saying is being read. I get a little sad when no one comments on my posts and get discouraged when it seems like no one has anything to say about what I have to say.

This ongoing experiment - to blog and to make my blog more than just words on a screen - is harder than I thought. Harder to define; harder to express. Who should I write for? What should I say? What shouldn't I say? What will this blog look like in 3 months? In 6 months? In a year?

The Emotional Side of Weight Loss

2011-02-09T16:55:00.000-05:00

So this morning the inevitable happened: I didn't gain weight while on Weight Watchers. Instead, I gained a little bit back. It's funny. I was expecting it. I know what I ate this weekend, and I know I didn't make the healthiest choices in the world. So, it shouldn't have come as a surprise. Still, seeing that "+" instead of the usual "-" on the card struck me to the core. I couldn't help but be angry and disappointed in myself. I smiled to the worker, took my card and pamphlet to my usual chair - and then put my head down and felt a couple tears roll down my cheek. That's when it hit me. Losing weight is an emotional battle, too.

The numbers on the scale are just numbers, taken at one moment in time. For all I know, I could get on the scale tomorrow and that plus would be a minus again. It's not usual for that to happen. But, instead of just shrugging my shoulders and resolving to do better this week, I let it get emotional for me. I let that evil little voice that says I can't do it, that I'll always be heavy, win for a moment today. And then, because I'm logical like that, I got mad at myself for falling into that same old trap!

I'm not gonna lie - I still haven't completely shaken the disappointed feeling. I'm still feeling a little sad about it and a little bummed that I have to re-lose the weight this week. But, I know in my head that it's not the end of anything - it's just the natural process of ebbing and flowing and ups and downs. I'm not excusing it, but I also know it's not the end of the world. I wonder why I let it get to me so much sometimes. Because, certainly, it's not worth tears. It's not even worth disappointment or anger. It's just what it is - and accepting it and moving on is the healthiest thing I could do.

So today, I'm back on the 'wagon' again. Writing it all down and drinking lots of water. I'm hoping this week is better than last week, too. But, even if it's not, I'm hoping I learn to be stronger about it and face the up weeks with confidence, as well. Instead of running to comfort foods, I'm running to writing. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

Worship as Life

2011-02-07T21:25:00.001-05:00

So I was playing around in Blogger today and I discovered the Pages feature. And, I got very excited, because it went from a blog to something a little more dynamic. And so, you'll notice some pages across the top of the page now. They are all pretty much empty right now, but I'm looking forward to filling them up with randomness and everything in between.

Other than that, it was another Monday. Busy, crazy and full, but good. I could give you the debrief on the day, but that would be a little boring for both you and I. Instead, I thought I would talk a little bit about my day yesterday, especially the worship at church.

Throughout my Christian life, I have always found music to be one of the ways I relate to God the best. Even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket and it's been almost a decade since I really played my flute, I still find worshipping through music to be a powerful experience. I've been blessed with some great worship leaders in my life, especially my friends Paul & Abigail. I first met them when I was a young Christian, not sure about much, but drawn to a deeper relationship with my Creator. Through years at CSF, I learned about myself, about God, and how music could help bridge the divide.

I was reminded of that relationship again this weekend when Paul & Abigail were down leading worship in Tim's absence. Because they were among my first real worship leaders and Christian mentors, I know I am partial. Still, it was such a good feeling this weekend -immediately transported to the foot of grace with music and prayer. It wasn't just the set, it wasn't just the leaders, it wasn't just the lights or the message - it was the entire experience wrapped up in one.

One of the songs we sang was fairly new to me - Chris Tomlin's "I Will Follow." The lyrics are still rolling around in my head today:

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You

Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You

How I hope to live those lyrics in my life. And, while I am trying to live them, I will continue to be drawn to the cross through music, through those around me, through the promise that He will be there, no matter how I get there.

Pretty Much Perfect

2011-02-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

This has been a pretty perfect weekend. How can I say that?

Dinner and hanging out with the Lanham family on Friday
Thai food (my favorite), some shopping and hanging out with Tim on Saturday. Plus a nap.
Worship led by my Paul & Abigail this morning (also my favorite), then lunch with them, their kids and the Kershner family.
Super Bowl fun with the Griles, including yummy food and a silly little girl.
Now we're watching the end of the game, the puppy is almost asleep, and I'm content.

Sometimes I forget just how blessed my life is. I have great friends and great family. I have a great life, and am eternally thankful for the mercies and blessings I receive every day. This could get sappy fast, so I won't make it long. Just wanted to say this: my heart is happy.

No Blog Yesterday?

2011-02-05T21:38:00.000-05:00

I didn't blog yesterday for one reason and one reason only - girl time. I needed it, and my friend Amy needed it. So, we left our husbands with her kids and went to Cracker Barrel (what can I say, we're WILD!) to eat, talk, eat, talk, eat...you get the idea.

Girl time is something that I take very seriously. When I don't get my girl time in on a regular basis, it definitely makes a difference in my life. I find myself less tolerant, less patient and more emotional. I know it's because I haven't had that one-on-one connection with the important women in my life enough. I think women, more so than men, have been wired for relationship and community. There are parts of my life that just make more sense once I have the time to hang out and enjoy time with girls. Amy and I first met because our husbands worked together. I am so grateful that they met, and even more glad that, because of their working together, Amy and I became friends. She is like a big sister I never had, full of wisdom and character, and willing to laugh with me and at me at the same time!

Last night was much needed for both of us - we needed to just talk and get away for a little bit, and it was made all the better over comfort food (sorry, weight watchers) and iced tea. We were able to have an honest conversation about the ups and downs of life, and left feeling better because of it (and I think she did, too). My only regret is that we don't get to do it enough!

I feel the same way about the time I get to spend with Amy that I do about the precious time I get to spend with Beth, Jenna, Liz, Jenny and any number of my girlfriends. We all lead busy, complicated lives, and getting together is hard. But, when the stars align and I am able to get that much needed one-on-one time with the girls in my life, I feel like I'm a better person. Time with my girlfriends makes me a better wife. It makes me a better employee. It makes me a better me.

So I didn't blog last night, because I was enjoying living life and then I was just too tired to write about it!

E-Mealz Review

2011-02-03T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not afraid to admit that I didn't used to spend very much time in the kitchen. I have a few recipes that I know by heart and can make well, but for the most part, I was just not that adventurous. Plus, I was afraid that I would make something that would taste horrible and then I would definitely never want to go back in the kitchen.

So, if it wasn't pizza, spaghetti, or some random grilled item and a side, I was at a loss. As part of my desire to spend less money and eat better, I was looking for some good options. And, after hearing about a million commercials on the Dave Ramsey Show for E-Mealz, I looked it up and decided to give it a try. The commercials promised that for just $5 a month, I would have wonderful, EASY meals available for me every week.

RIGHT...nothing is ever that easy...is it? Turns out, it really is just that easy. The hardest part of signing up for E-Mealz was figuring out which of the tons of plans would be best for Tim and I. At the time, I hadn't started weight watchers, but I knew we wanted to lose some weight. I went for the Low-Fat for two plan, printed out my first list of menus and groceries needed and headed out to the store. The recipes sounded easy enough, but I still wasn't sure I trusted myself in the kitchen. Smoky Orange Chicken? Cheeseburger Soup? Mexican Macaroni? Chicken Florentine?

Turns out, they were even easier than they sounded! The recipes are not only easy, but they taste amazing. Seriously, We haven't made anything that I haven't liked, and hasn't made me feel like I could actually be a decent cook if I tried. There are some recipes that will be added to our regular rotation, and some may not. But, at the same time, I'm glad we tried them.

In the month that we've been doing this, I've found myself actually looking forward to coming home and going into the kitchen. I look forward to making something new and sitting down with Tim to a hot, healthy meal. We have time every night where we can sit and talk. It's added a really nice dimension to our evenings, even if we are running the dishwasher all the time and I feel like I wash the same pans over and over again.

If you're looking for some new recipes to feed your family, or just some confidence in the kitchen, I would highly recommend trying E-Mealz! For more information, you can go to http://www.e-mealz.com/. If you sign up, let them know I sent you. I think I get a bonus!

Freedom

2011-02-02T20:50:00.000-05:00

If you are my friend on Facebook or follow me on twitter, you have seen me post for the last few weeks about the results of my weight watchers meetings. It's not because I'm bragging, but I am proud of myself. It's not because I've reached my goal, because I am so far from that. Really, it's because I need the accountability, and telling lots of people helps with that. Also, it keeps me focused and humble.

Since signing up for Weight Watchers, I have lost 8.2 pounds. I am just a few pounds away from my first goal. Exciting!

This is not the first time I have done weight watchers, and it is not the first time I have been successful doing it. But, it is the first time I have felt this freedom as I've lost the weight. One part of that freedom was telling Tim my "dirty little secret" about my weight. The other part comes from realizing that I am not in this alone, and that people love me as I am, but are excited to see me feel better and look better. What I've realized about losing weight in the last month is that it's not hard, but it is complicated. Losing weight involves realizing that food doesn't give me comfort long term and that I am capable of change. I think to really lose the weight, I had to realize that I was okay just as I was, but could be so much more. And, I had to want to lose the weight for me, not to make Tim proud of me (even though I love that he is) or to feel like being skinnier would make me worthier of something (because I know it won't). It hasn't been necessarily easy, but it hasn't been that hard, either. I'm learning what foods are filling, and what I can do to make the points last as long as I need them to.

I've posted a new sidepiece on my blog. It shows how much weight I've lost, my small goals, and my big goal. I want you to be a part of this journey with me. Mary, my weight watchers leader, has been a huge source of support and affirmation these last few weeks. It's so nice to know she's on my side, as are my family and friends. So please feel free to ask me about it if you want. I will be honest with my successes and with my struggles. I've been on this ride for awhile; but, with your help and the help of a little discipline, I'm hoping this is the last time I'm on this part of the track!

Ice, Ice, Sleet, Ice

2011-02-01T22:18:00.000-05:00

For the last 36 hours, the news in Indiana has been dominated by one thing and one thing only: WINTER! Ice, Snow, Ice, Sleet, Ice...all that good stuff. Last night, I was prepared for the storm to come in fast and hard; and it didn't. In a fit of insanity, I went to the store last night - mostly because I wanted to make quiche for dinner. Wow. I have never seen the parking lot of the grocery so full, and I even went to the ghetto Kroger. Inside was no better - everyone was frantic and a little crazy. I got my five items, left and never want to EVER have to do that again. And then...nothing happened, really. Sure, we woke up this morning with a sheen of ice over everything, but the roads were fine and we made it to work.

The impending second round sent us home from work early, and not a moment too soon. It seemed like we had only been home for a few minutes before I looked outside and the yard, driveway and everything was covered in a solid coat of ice! Yuck!

It wasn't long ago that I said that maybe winter wasn't so bad after all...but I'm beginning to regret that statement. I am exhausted by the darkness and dreariness and the warnings, warning, warnings. It is just so draining for me. As we sit here tonight, I know many people who don't have power and have watched trees fall in their yards and close to their homes. So far we've been lucky - power is still on and the DVR is working fine. They are little victories!!

Who knows what tomorrow holds; but I'm hoping that our power stays on!

It DOES Exist!

2011-01-31T20:02:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I was in a local community theatre production of "Through the Looking Glass." It was the first community theatre I had done in a long time, so I was excited to be a part of the production. It was typical community theatre, but it did introduce me to some good people that have become friends. Anyway, while sitting around talking one night, we were bringing up versions of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass that was had read or seen through the years.

I kept bringing up this version I remember seeing when I was little. I didn't remember all of it, but I totally remembered Carol Channing turning into a sheep at some point, the Tweedle twins, and the Jabberwocky scaring the living daylight out of me. Still, no one believed me that it was real!

Well, today my friend Aubrey posted a link of facebook that totally made my day and proved me RIGHT! Here is the cover.

It recently came out on DVD. I need to have it in my collection. If I seriously hadn't just placed an Amazon order, I would buy it today. It's only $9.99. If I had $15 worth of additional stuff to buy, I would totally do it RIGHT NOW.

Anyway, I'm dying to see it again; mostly to see if it's quite the head trip that I remember it being! Does anyone else remember this version?

Here's the link in case you want more information about it!

Quick Hits

2011-01-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

Life in Summary.

I'm not going to lie - I had a great experience in college the first time around. I had great friends, great family, and a support system that was second-to-none. Even the rough parts of my first couple years were not really that bad. The people I met kept me sane and focused. All that is to say that I didn't necessarily put that much time actually into my school work. I could have been a much better student, and I guess I kind of regret it now. I worked just hard enough to keep my grades reasonably up. If I had it to do all over again, I would have definitely tried harder. And, since I am back in school now, I am trying harder. Hence spending almost two hours tonight doing a homework assignment that is worth a whole 25 points out of 1000. Ah well, go big or go home, right?
I managed to read three fiction books and two non-fiction books in January. Not bad, not bad at all. The other two books I read (I reviewed the others earlier this month) were: Solitary, which was a Christian YA book that reminded me of Ted Dekker a lot. A little spooky, a little scary, a little faithful. It's the first book in a series and I'm interested to see how the next two books go. The other non-fiction book was Gazelles, Baby Steps & 37 Other things Dave Ramsey Taught Me About Debt by Jon Acuff. I loved Stuff Christians Like, and this book was just as funny and smart as the first. It had just enough humor and just enough substance to make a huge impact.
We are gearing up for yet another snowstorm/ice storm. I've been putting my best foot forward and my best attitude forward, but I am ready for spring to finally show up. I could use a little sunshine and a little warmth. We had originally thought about going to Florida in February. How I wish that was happening!!!
I am loving selling Thirty-One. It's a lot of work right now, but it's fun. I'm nervous about parties and booking parties and finding people to do parties, but I'm sure it will all work out. The big reason I am doing this is to help pay off our debt, and to be able to do weight watchers and the gym and stuff like that. My friend Cindy is amazing at it, and I'm hoping at some point I'll be able to do half of what she's doing. I know there are a lot of people selling it around here, so there is a lot of 'healthy' competition. Wish me luck!
Blogging is fun, but harder than I thought. In January I posted more than I did all of 2010. I wonder if it's quality or quantity. I am thinking of ways to add readers and make the blog more dynamic and have more of reason behind it. I'm just not sure what that looks like quite yet.

Not A Lot To Say Today

2011-01-29T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day; got to sleep in, ran some errands, and then had dinner and game night with great friends, JR & Ashley. It was a Saturday that went way too fast, but I loved. I can't believe it's already 11:30am and I have to be up in just a few hours to go to church, run sound and see other friends. Then it's home for lunch at home and relaxing. And laundry. But there is always laundry, so I'm not sure that's anything surprising.

I have been struck today with the memories of college - especially CSF leadership retreats. There was so much hope and optimism in those retreats; we came back on fire to make changes and change the world. I think, in some ways, we fulfilled those promises. But there was always so much more left to do. I miss that high that you get after leaving a retreat or conference, though. It's a powerful feeling, both refreshing and overwhelming at the same time!

I am looking for a conference to attend this year to rejuvinate myself. I've done Women of Faith the last couple years and would love to do that again; but August is soooo far away! I am hoping to find something in the first half of the year. And, no, I don't want to go to a conference for accounting or business. I know it's part of my job, but it's not the refreshing part that I'm looking for!

So, that's been today. And I'm sorry this has been such a boring post. I will try and do better tomorrow.

Hours in a Day

2011-01-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

Lately it has felt like there simply aren't enough hours in the day, week, or month to get everything on my ever-growing list done. I feel constrained by commitments and dreams, and as a result sometimes have a very hard time focusing on any one thing. I know that it's partly my own fault, too! I fill my life up with lots of wonderful things - but they all seem to happen all at once.

Work is busy right now. Heck, who am I kidding - work is always busy these days! There is a lot happening now and a lot on our plates for the future. And I used to really love being busy, but lately it seems to verging almost on too much! I'm sure I have to make priorities and figure out what stays and what needs to be re-evaluated.

School, even though I'm only taking one class, is busy. This is, by far, the most busy-work intensive class I have had yet. And, I don't really like or have time for busy work. It's hard, because I'm sure it's important, but I'm still annoyed that I have to waste all this time doing work that I feel is a little too repetitive.

I have recently started selling Thirty-One, which will be a blog post all it's own soon. It shouldn't be too hard, but it's definitely occupying my brain a lot more than I thought it would right now. And, I want to do well and succeed, so I want to put the time and energy into making it a success.

Top all that off with hanging out with friends, spending time with my husband and family, attending my weight watchers meetings, and starting rehearsals for Boxcar soon....and, whew! Busy! Maybe it is time to petition for a few more hours in a day.

And then there's this strange phenomenon that happens - the busier I become, the more I feel sad or frustrated when people in my life don't make time for me. Not that they're not busy, too, and not that we had plans to hang out - but I still wonder why they have time for everyone, it seems, but me.

Now, trust me, I know it doesn't make any sense! Why do I take an already complicated life and let it become more complicated simply by my emotions?? Ugh!

An Open Letter...

2011-01-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

So I started writing this post on my way home tonight - after running a couple errands and spending a little more time in traffic than I should have on a Friday night.

So here it is - an open letter to the drivers of Bloomington (and maybe everywhere else).

Dear Drivers,
I'm so sorry that you were never really taught how to drive. I'm sorry there are some things that seem to completely escape the realm of your knowledge. So, in order to help you not make the drivers around you want to bang their heads into the steering wheel, here are some things you should know.

Roundabouts
Here are just a few quick hints that you need to read over and over again until you learn them. Please. First, please, please, please only go one way in the roundabout. I understand that you really need to go on the road to your immediate left, but when you go that way without going all the way around the roundabout, it scares the people driving near you. Second, if the roundabout is empty, please do not stop at the entrance; please slow down, and please yield, but please do not come to a complete stop. I really hate when I have to slam on the breaks just because you are afraid of the invisible cars that only you can see. Third, if you are approaching the roundabout and there are cars in it, for the love of all, please slow down. I know you think you know exactly how fast you're going; but you are still scaring the other drivers.

Turn signals
Use them. They are standard equipment on every vehicle you own or are in, so please use them. Believe it or not, the other drivers can't figure out what your plans are when you don't use them. And I know you like playing chicken at the four way stops, but the rest of us would really like a glimpse into what you're thinking.

That line in the middle of the road
Is not a suggestion. I'm just saying.

Phones, Blackberries, Computers, GPS, and whatever else is in your hands
No. Just...no. Please stop. I know you think you're the queen of multitasking, but the swerving in and out of your lane and the irregular speeds seem to say otherwise. Not to mention the fact that you almost hit me a few times; and the fact that you stopped at a green light, and whatever else you're doing instead of driving. I've been guilty of using my phone while driving in the past, but I am learning the error of my ways - so please just stop. You make me think things that are inappropriate and angry because, as it turns out, you are not the queen of multitasking.

Please understand that these are just observations on one Friday night. I'm sure you're an excellent driver every other moment of the day. But you stress me out. And make me cuss. And put me in a really bad mood.

I believe in you, though, I really do. Together we can make it through this and all drive in harmony!

Love,

If You Could Not Fail

2011-01-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

I posted this for the first time about a year and a half ago. For some reason, the quote has been going around and around in my head, so I thought I would post it again. I've edited a little for today, but most of it surprisingly is the same as it was.

My mom has the above quote on her fridge. It spoke volumes to her at one point, and lately I've been thinking a lot more about it.

What would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?

I would write & publish.
I would act.
I would go back to school and get that Library Science degree.
I would learn to dance.
I would finally lose the weight I want to lose.
I would speak and tell my story.

And then I stopped to think about it again. Why was it so easy for me to come up with a list of things I would do if I knew I couldn't fail? And why does failure stop those dreams in their tracks? It's mostly a rejection issue for me.

I would write & publish....But what if I'm rejected at some point (as are all writers).
I would act...But that means auditions and travel and not getting 'the' role.
I would go back to school...hey, I'm doing this one. Slowly but surely.
I would learn to dance...But what if I look ridiculous?
I would lose weight...Working on this one, too!

I would speak...but what if my story isn't worth hearing?

And, sadly, I realize that I have let the "but what if" statements control my dreams for too long. Maybe I need a magnet that says: What are you willing to try, even if you might fail?

There is another quote that I think sums up why I am scared to take the risk sometimes. It goes like this:

I am ready to astound myself. How about you?

Guilty Pleasures: The Chick Flick Edition

2011-01-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

Of all the blogs I've done, the one yesterday about guilty pleasures got the most responses. That makes me laugh. And, in the comments, my friend Elizabeth pointed out that I didn't really mention the chick flicks in my guilty pleasure discussion. And, so, to make up for that omission, I have decided to dedicate this entire post to chick flicks and their special place in the guilty pleasure discussion. Here are some of my favorites!

Return to Me
This one is in honor of Liz and the many, many, many times we watched this movie. If you've never seen it, the premise is this. A man and woman are happily married. There is a car accident. The wife dies, but she is an organ donor. Her heart ends up in the body of a woman the man meets and falls in love with. But, will their love survive when he knows the truth?? The unlikely pairing of David Duchovny and Minnie Driver just adds to the silliness. Regardless, though, it remains one of my favorite chick flicks.

Never Been Kissed
What's not to believe - a young woman gets her first assignment as a 'real' journalist - to go back and pretend to be a high school student again. Misfit hilarity ensues, and of course she falls in love for the first time -with one of the teachers. Drew Barrymore and Michael Vartan have good chemistry and the big kiss at the end is pretty dang impressive. I used to watch this movie at least once a week. Even writing about it now, I have the overwhelming urge to put it in and watch it right now!

Where the Heart Is
It's not a typical romantic comedy, but I still consider this a chick flick. I've never met a man who would choose to watch it of their own free will. It's a more serious film, but still a tender love story. More realistic and not a movie that fits a formula, it's one I watch any time I see it on TV. If you haven't seen it, it's worth watching at least once.

Notting Hill
Julia Roberts made quite a few chick flicks all in a row there for awhile. My favorite of the many options was Notting Hill. this is one of those "no way it's ever going to happen" movies. You know the kind - a starlet falls in love with an average Joe. They have to go through a lot of trouble and obstacles to get there, but eventually there is the pivotal line - Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

Other notable chick flicks that are guilty pleasures: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, 13 Going on 30, Legally Blonde.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-01-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

We all have them, even if we don't want to admit it - those shows, movies, music or books that we just love, even though we're kind of embarrassed that we like them. I was thinking about having a lighter and fluffier post today, so here are some of my guilty pleasures:

The Glee Soundtrack(s). All of them. I've kind of lost interest in the show, but I'm still really entertained by the music. It sounds just as cheesy and glorious as it is the first time you heard it during the show. The special episodes and guest stars have, in some ways, ruined the show for me, but I will still continue to sing loudly to the soundtracks in the privacy of my own car.

Anything on the SyFy channel. This weekend there was an entire day of "disaster movies." Category Four, Category Five, Category Six...ahh, they are blissfully ridiculous and fun to watch. I'm not going to lie, I would probably watch them all week and get nothing else done if I had nothing but time to waste. They make me laugh and they are some of the most underrated actors I've ever seen. Or not.

The Twilight Books. And Movies. I know they are horrible. They are like a train wreck to me, though. You can't look away, no matter how much you want to. I've read the books. I've seen the movies. In the theatres. With other friends who understand how ridiculous the whole thing is. But, if you're honest, you've probably read the (poorly written) books or seen at least one of the (cg-lacking) movies. Haven't you?

Any movie that contains the following: dancing or singing or both together. I've seen Step Up, and Drumline. And enjoyed both. It started with Dirty Dancing and the movies have just evolved from there. If there is a movie out there with dancing in it, I will see it. At least once. (Anyone want to see Black Swan with me?!?!)

The Disney Channel. I've seen more episodes of Hannah Montana, The Suite Life and Wizards of Waverly Place than any self-respecting 31 year old with no children should ever see. And, sadly, I've seen some episodes of these shows twice.

These are just a very small few of my guilty pleasures. What are some of yours?

A Poem

2011-01-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't shared much of my original writing on this blog in awhile, so I thought today I would share a poem I wrote awhile ago - it's not a lot, but it's one I enjoyed writing.

One thing I've realized about poetry, at least for me, is that I tend to write a lot more poetry when I'm sad or emotional than I do when I'm happy. I don't really know what that says about me - other than I tend to express myself more through words when I'm down and through actions and interactions when I'm happy. I need to work on that. I have a feeling I'm probably a pretty good writer when I'm happy. I think my characters and all that would be happier, too.

Anyway, I wrote this poem on my way to class one day in college (and I know that was a lot longer ago than I care to admit). I was in a small group led by my minister, Paul, and we were studying the Psalms. Our assignment for the week was to mimic a Psalm and write our own. I have no idea off the top of my head what Psalm I was reading or why I chose to write this, but here it is anyway. (warning: CHEESY!)

My Psalm
I'm anxious, Lord!
The days go by in quiet confusion.
There's turmoil in my spirit, Lord.
Everything is fighting for my attention.

I want to be content,
This is what You have for me.
I want to be peaceful,
Let Your passion come and fill me.

Breathing deep, Your love engulfs me.
I feel Your hand in all I do.

Hold me tight, Lord.
Embrace me when I'm lonely.
Take my hand, Lord.
Lead me on the path that's holy.

I want to live for You.
I want to be Your child.
I'm here and waiting;
Restless though I am.

Take my life.
Take my fears.
Take me, Lord.
Make me Yours.

Take Three

2011-01-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

This is literally the third blog entry I have started to write today. For some reason I can't complete a thought or a post today. Maybe I have too much going on in my brain, or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, I'm sure those blog posts will come to light at some point in the future, but I'm not ready to finish them today.

So, we'll see if this one gets published by the end of the night!! I would like to just put a bunch of pictures on here and call it a blog, but I think that's the easy way out, and doesn't stretch me as a writer or as a person.

So, instead, I will talk about family. I am a lucky girl. I grew up with a great family. My parents split up when I was really young, but they never made me feel like I had to choose between them. I always felt completely at home when I was at my dad's house, and never felt like the 'other' kid. I was also lucky enough to have a great step mom and a great step dad, and wonderful half siblings. I loved my extended family and loved spending holidays in Chicago, Michigan and Indiana.

When I thought of getting married, I wondered if all the 'horror' stories about in-laws could be true. And then I met Tim's family. And, not surprisingly, I love all of them. I am surprised how comfortable I am with my in-laws. I am especially grateful for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. They are the kind of people that I would want to be friends with, regardless of whether we were family or not. I hate that we live 2+ hours apart and never get to hang out, because when we do, I have so much fun! Today, Joe, Jess & Jacie came to our house for the first time (side note: I think everyone who wants to see our house but hasn't should come see it in the next couple days - it's pretty much cleaner than it's been since we moved in). Just sitting at lunch, and chatting with Jess, was so comfortable that I was sad to see them go!

I can't tell you how thankful I am for family that feel like friends!

A Letter from the Future

2011-01-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

I re-read the what to blog about suggestions on Facebook today while trying to come up with a blog...and randomly decided to write about one of them - a letter from my future self (thanks, Scott, for the suggestion). Should be an interesting experience, at the very least.

Dear Emily,

I wish you could see me right now. I know you've got a lot on your plate. I know you're concerned about a lot, and you hate not knowing what the future will hold. I know there are pieces of your story you don't tell easily, but please trust me when I tell you -it's better here than you ever dreamed.

Remember how, sitting on the couch that night trying to find something to blog about, you wondered if it was worth doing at all? Don't give up. The blog is just the first step - and it will be important as you really get serious about your writing. I'll warn you now, you aren't going to write every day; but the blogs you do write are important - more to you than to your readers. Keep doing it, even when you don't want to!

The next few years are going to be full of highs and lows, but don't let the lows get to you too much. You know it makes your mom worry even when there's nothing to worry about! Over the next few years you will realize that you're braver and stronger than you think. I know you want to know the future; but take comfort in the not knowing. The experiences are all that much more beautiful because you didn't know they were coming. If I told you everything now, you'd miss out on so much.

The most important thing you have to remember is to be true to yourself. Remember that poem, "Desiderata" that your dad had hanging in his house? You never forgot it, and it will keep shaping you, along with your deep affection for your Creator. You will keep growing in your faith, and you will find that it will give you a lot of peace, even when it's cold and dark and the winter seems like it's never going to end.

Keep loving yourself. Hold tight to your family; your love will just continue to grow through the years. You have a really good life. I can promise you now that it's not the life you expected it to be, and it's not the life you're envisioning right now. But, it's a good life. You will travel, you will act, you will love. You will leave an impact on the world. It may not be in the way you expect, but you are an important part of a bigger story.

Wherever you are right now, know that you are special. You are loved. You are uniquely you and no one can take your place. Embrace the not knowing, but keep praying for those things that you desire deep in your heart. I promise, the prayers that you consider most important are answered - and the answer is worth waiting for.

Keep smiling, dear one. Some day, I promise you will look back at this very moment and have to laugh.

Love,

What to Write About...and some Book Reviews

2011-01-20T20:45:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I posted on Facebook asking for ideas about what to write on my blog because I was just plain out of ideas. I got some great responses and they got me to thinking - I think if I am going to blog every day, I need to have some sort of direction on this thing. Random observations about my life will only last for so long -and I can't always wait for inspirations to strike.

While I don't know what that direction looks like, yet, it is something I will be exploring a lot over the next few blog posts. While I try and figure that out, here are some book reviews from my January reading:

Eternal on the Water (Fiction)
I bought this book for one reason and one reason only - it was only a dollar when Borders was going out of business. I kept seeing stacks of the book around the store, and it had a pretty cover, so I picked it up.

I was pleasantly surprised as to how much I enjoyed it. It is a sweet, honest love story. Nature plays just as much of a part of the story as the human characters, and each environment the main characters encounter springs to life. The first setting, the Allegash River in Maine, comes full circle at the end. The writing actually made me slow down and spend time reading the book. The words flow like water over the page, and you can't help but be captivated by the story. Be warned, though, it's a hard story. You know from the very first page how the love story is going to end; but wow, even then I wasn't prepared to cry as much as I did at the end of the story.

Nursery Crimes (Fiction)
There is one simple way to sum up this book. PURE FLUFF. It was a quick read, and won't stick with me long, but it was entertaining nonetheless. I mean, it's about and 8.5 months pregnant women who tries to solve a hit and run accident - with her two year old along for the ride. What is there not to like? It won't win any awards, but it falls happily into that "beach read" category. It's good fun, and it's a nice, quick little diversion if you just are looking for pure entertainment.

REWORK (Non-Fiction)
I managed to hit my non-fiction goal for January by finally reading "Rework." This book is billed as the anti-business book, and it's easy to see why. Short chapters, blunt language, and philosophies that go against every business model you think you have to follow make it a fast read, but one with a lot of good points. Written by the founders of 37signals, this book pulls no punches when it comes to making your business work, hiring, firing and succeeding. While I have no immediate plans to launch a business (although i guess I just did with my Thirty-One consultant gig, didn't I?!?), it was still fun. There are some basic principles I can put into practice in my job now, which will hopefully make me a better employee.

So, that's what I've read so far this month. To hit my goal, I need to read two more fiction books this week. I don't know if it will happen, but I have several more books upstairs from the Borders sale - so we shall see!

Refusing to be Weighed Down

2011-01-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

I recently posted on this blog about my weight loss struggles. Heck, if you've read this blog at all, you know that it's not just this year that I've talked about my weight issues. It's a song that seems to be stuck on repeat.

I don't know if I mentioned it on here, but a week ago, I took a big step and (re)joined Weight Watchers. I had gone to WW several years ago, and had actually lost a lot of weight. Then, for a reason I can't even remember, I stopped going. And over the last several years have gained a lot of the weight back. So, I decided that instead of moaning and complaining about it, I would go ahead and do something about it.

A lot has changed since last time I went to weight watchers, and I was definitely a little overwhelmed when I went back. The hardest part was changing my mindset and actually eating more points than I had eaten the last time I was on the program. But, I stuck to it this week, wrote everything down, and worked hard. And, in the end, it paid off.

When I weighed in this morning I had lost 3.6 pounds! It is just a drop in the bucket of my big goal, but it is a good drop. It gave me the motivation to keep going this week, and made me believe, for the first time in a long time, that I can definitely do this! I can lose the weight. And, this time, I will keep it off for good!

Tonight I am celebrating my 3.6! I used a few of my extra points and ate a chocolate chip cookie tonight. And, I don't feel guilty about it right now!

Here's to another week and another big loss!

Slowing Down Creativity

2011-01-18T20:36:00.001-05:00

Nothing great is created suddenly. There must be time. Give your best and always be kind.
~epictetus~

Honestly, I don't consider myself a very creative person. At all. I have made a few scrapbooks in my day, but that's about the extent of it. And, even then, they are not that impressive. If I'm honest, I know I can't cut in a straight line, and no matter how I try, my craft projects consistently look like something a child did. (If I was four they might be impressive. Maybe. If my preschool teacher was exceptionally kind. And half blind.)

I look at my friends who are extremely crafty and I'm a little jealous of their talent. My friend Liz is the perfect example. She practically exudes craftiness from her pores! She has some of the most beautiful art in her home - and she's made most of it. She makes homemade cards that always seem to say the right thing, and I've watched her spend hours on gifts for friends that actually have meaning and matter, like jars full of origami stars with memories inside. Everything she does embodies the quote at the beginning of this blog. She takes her time, puts effort into it, and fill her crafts with love, joy, kindness and patience. Her creativity is not rushed, is not impatient, and is, as a result, beautiful.

Me? I rush. I try to get things done quickly so I can check them off my list. I get frustrated with imperfect corners and messy handwriting, but I still don't slow down and really invest in much in the world of crafts. I also apply that same sense of frantic rush to my life. Everything is hurried, busy and layered with imperfect edges that are "good enough." Why am I in such a hurry to create everything? Nothing in our world that is worth creating can ever be done in an afternoon.

New life takes nine months or creation and nurturing.
Plants grow slowly.
Books are written over months, not hours.
Movies can take years.
Friendships take time to be authentic.
Relationships blossom into marriages over hours, days and months.

Life takes time to be creative. God could have created the world in an instant, but instead the Bible records the labor of love process of creation. Have you read the Genesis account of creation recently?

Light. Darkness. Day. Night.
Day One.

Sky.
Day Two.

Land. Seas. Vegetation.
Day Three.

Stars. Sun. Moon.
Day Four.

Fish. Birds.
Day Five.

Animals. Man.
Day Six.

Did you catch that? God, the Ultimate Craftsman, took an entire day to create the sky. That's it. Genesis 1:6-8 says, "And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so. God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day."

An entire day. To create the sky. I get mad if something I'm creating takes more than a few hours, but God was content to take an entire day to create the sky, just to make sure it was perfect. God reveals over and over again that creativity takes time, but the time is well worth it. It's time to slow down, and allow ourselves the time to be the creative person God designed us to be.

Worth Everything

2011-01-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a friend made a comment on her twitter/facebook the other day that she wondered if this was "it" for her. I tried to reassure her, but I do know those feelings oh so well. It's easy to wonder if where we are is where we will always be; if the way our days unfold is the constant pace; if our disappointments and frustrations will always be the same.

That feeling always seems to come when we're down, have you noticed that? It's not often you wonder out of your euphoria if you will "always" be right where you are. In our broken and cynical world, we are all too aware that our highs will not last. However, in our dark moments, we find ourselves wondering if we will always be in those moments. The darkness always seems to last longer than the light, doesn't it?

My encouragement to my friend was to hold tight to this: if you're still here, you're story isn't over yet. If there was nothing left for you to do, if your story had already been told, then there would be no reason for you to still be here. But, simply being here means this: God's not done with you yet. And if He's not done with you, whatever you are feeling is temporary. Even though it may feel like you are constantly stuck in the darkness, hold tight; the light is not far off.

One of my favorite quotes is this:

“You must be strong now. You must never give up. And when people make you cry and you are afraid of the dark, don't forget the light is always there.

When the darkness feels like it's never going to end, and you feel like you're stuck in something that will never end, remember that light is just beyond the darkness and happiness is on the other side of the pain. Your story is not over; your place is not permanent; your life is worth all the sadness, all the disappointment, and all the joy that is just beyond today.

Write What You Know

2011-01-16T21:08:00.000-05:00

The earliest advice I remember receiving when I told people I wanted to be a writer was that successful writers "write what they know." While I understand the sentiment behind the saying, I have learned it's not completely accurate.

I think good writers write. A lot. And in that writing, they learn what they know. Fiction is just that, fiction. It is not what you know, but often a world you can imagine fully and love completely. The secret is to so believe in the world that you have created that you can make it feel real - and that you know it completely.

As I have written poetry, children's stories, short stories and even attempted novels over the years, what I know has continually crept into my writing.

I know what it looks like to be a dreamer.
I know what it feels like to lose someone you love.
I know what it means to be a little on the outside.
I know what it feels to be comfortably average.

I know how freeing tears can be.
I know how constraining fear can be.

I know that no one is perfect.

I know I am not perfect.

I know that faith changes you.
I know that passion is necessary for life.
I know that giving is more powerful than receiving.
I know that friendships craft my experiences.
I know that love is worth fighting for.
I know that your history doesn't have to dictate your future.
I know that not knowing is part of the journey.
I know that the world can be a better place.

I know the world is not as dark as it seems.

I know I have a story to tell.

Launch Yourself Fully

2011-01-15T23:24:00.001-05:00

I haven't left my house today, so this blog will probably be short and to the point - nothing big happened to precipitate a blog, so I'm digging deeper into the "thinking" side of my brain.

I stumbled across a quote recently that I found meaningful:

Is there really any better advice than that? We spend so much time looking into the future (as I have already blogged about) and forget about the present. Thoreau has been a favorite author for years, but I have recently rediscovered him and some of my favorite quotes from him.

When was the last time you found eternity in the moment you are living in? When you stopped, looked at your life, and decided that it was good. I feel like God does that with us every day and with every moment. Our lives are but a blink of time to God, and from our birth to our death, he is writing eternity on our hearts and in our lives.

Recently, I was asked to write a poem for our Christmas Eve service. It was a fantastic experience for me, and a lot of work. As I reflected on the moment that God came to earth, I couldn't help but re-experience the first Christmas over and over again. He came and changed everything, but continued to live with eternity in each moment. And, Christ didn't just come to watch the world, He came to fully experience the highs and lows of humanity. He, as Thoreau said, "launched himself at every wave." Every experience that we could experience, He did. He loved, He lost, He cried, He worshipped; He laughed, He was angry. He was fully human and fully man.

If God Himself can come to earth and live fully, then why do we limit ourselves? Why do we experience only a bit here and a bit there, but never really launch ourselves fully into our own experience?

A Completely Normal Day

2011-01-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

Today was a very good day. It was a Friday, and the sun was shining. I started out the day by running an errand for work and then heading to the Pourhouse Cafe for a Latte. It was somewhat strange to spend an hour or so working at the Pourhouse instead of my desk, but it was so needed. I was able to get out of my normal routine and relax a little. I worked my way through my email, had an impromptu meeting, and then headed back to work. This morning was a great time to just sit and experience the morning, outside of the race I feel like I'm constantly running when I sit at my desk. It was a perfect way to start today, and I am so grateful for the opportunity.

From a great morning, I then went to lunch with a great friend. Rene has been my friend since forever (or second grade if you want to be technical) and we've seen each other at our best, our worst, and everything in between. We definitely don't see each other as often as we would like, but no matter how much times goes between our visits, we just start right where we left off. She's an amazing person, and I know how lucky I am to know that she's one of those people that is going to be my friend and in my life forever!

The rest of the day went fine - I got a lot accomplished, ran a couple errands, and then came home and made dinner. I have to admit that when I first started with the EMEALZ program, I thought that it would be hard and I wouldn't be able to cook at all. What I've found is that the recipes are all really good, and amazingly easy to make. Tonight's meal of smoky orange chicken was tasty and super simple. I'm falling in love with cooking, and the meals are are friendly with Weight Watchers. Woo-hoo!

Today has been a very normal day, but it has been a great day. I was reminded over and over again that it's the little things that make a difference is a day. Appreciating the moments and experiencing the small blessings that made for a great day made today very good.

Make Progress...Not Excuses

2011-01-13T09:51:00.000-05:00

I will try to post twice today to make up for the lack of a post yesterday. I fully intended to write when I got home from my first-ever boot camp-style workout...but then I took a shower, ate some protein and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

Wednesday was a day of highs and lows for me! I bit the bullet and signed up for weight watchers again. I know it works. In fact, it's the only thing that has ever worked for me. I thought I could do it on my own, but the reality is that I need the accountability of having to weigh in every week - and pay for the experience - to really succeed. I've tried on my own for a long time and it's not working. My husband, bless him, has tried his best to be a helper and encourager, but it's so easy for us to just say "we'll start again next week...pass the pizza." So, back to weight watchers I go! The other thing is, this time, I feel ready to tackle weight loss once and for all. I'm tired of worry about it and so, no turning back!

A part of my journey I have struggled with for a long time is telling Tim exactly what I weigh. It's silly, I know, but there was definitely a part of me that was convinced that once he knew, it would change things. I fought it for a long time, but then in either a moment of insanity or grace, just blurted it out last night. Granted, he was then immediately in a no-win situation, and looking back, he handled it just like he should of - but I'm a girl, an emotional girl at that, so I shed a few tears after the "big reveal."

And then last night I decided to try and destroy by body by attending a tabatas class with my friend Cheryl. It didn't sound too bad - 20 seconds of something, 10 seconds of rest, repeat for an hour. But wow, it killed me (in a good way). I'm pretty sure I've never worked that hard in a workout, and that I've never worked out so hard I thought I was going to pass out like I did last night. I was proud of myself for only having to sit out of a couple minutes, and doing as much as my body would let me. I am sore today, but not hurting. There is a difference, and I'm okay with sore. I was a little worried it would aggravate my back some, but so far so good.

As part of the workout, Cheryl gave me a wristband (good for one free workout). On it is stamped the phrase "Make Progress...Not Excuses." This is my motto for my weight loss journey in 2011. Make progress, not excuses. And so here we go :)

A Winter Wonderland

2011-01-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

Spend much time around me, and you'll know that I am not a huge fan of winter. Or snow. Or being cold. Or having to wear multiple layers to stay warm. (Not that it applies right now, but I also don't like a lot of heat or sweating). And, this winter in Bloomington seems to be snowier and colder than the ones I remember in recent history. So, it stands to reason that I would be really unhappy this winter, right?

Well, a funny thing has happened in the last few snowfalls. I'm actually finding myself enjoying this winter more than I've enjoyed winter in recent years. The snow is inconvenient and I still don't want to drive in it, but I'm finding the beauty in the snowflakes again. Even today, as I watched the snow fall...and fall...and fall, I was surprised to find myself admiring the beauty out my office window and only dreading having to go out in it a little, instead of a lot.

There is a purity that only comes with the snowfall. It covers the dirty streets and the fallen leaves that never got completely raked up (or is that just our yard?) and the dreary colorless leftovers of autumn. It makes everything clean and pretty again. There could be anything hiding under the fresh white cover of snow, but we can't see it. And, in that way, it is no wonder the Bible says,

“Come now, let us settle the matter,”

says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

Think for a moment about everything that God could see on you; the darkness, the pain, the sin, the bad thoughts, frustration, anger and hurt; the way you lashed out in anger and frustration instead of with grace; the way you yelled at your neighbor instead of forgiving him; the way you judged someone instead of leaving the judgement to God and instead just loving them...

...we have to be pretty ugly to look at if you look from His eyes. But then a moment happened, a sacrifice that would never be equaled or repeated, and God doesn't see the ugly, he only sees us as we should have been; pure, white, clean...His eyes look on us with love, and He chooses to let the blood of His son make us clean every time we make a mistake.

So, instead of seeing the snow as just...snow...I see it as a reminder from my Father that He loves me and chooses to see the best in me. He chooses to cover my sins with grace and the blood of Jesus turns my darkness into light. Maybe all that pure white snow during winter isn't such a bad thing after all.

In Which I Talk about Food

2011-01-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

And now for something completely different. This blog has been a little too serious the last few days, so instead we're going to talk about...food.

I've never been very daring in the kitchen. Even with a recipe, I'm kind of afraid to try things in the kitchen, and with just the two of us, it's easy to eat simple things, or just order a pizza or whatever. But, this year we decided to stick to a budget, spend less money eating out and eat at home a lot more. That means that I've had to get less scared of being adventurous in the kitchen and more willing to try things that maybe I don't usually eat.

One of the ways we decided to try and save money was to sign up for e-mealz, which has turned into a great way to try new recipes and spend less money. The benefit of e-mealz is that it tells you exactly what to buy at the grocery to spend the least amount of money possible. I've been really excited because I've actually had some successes in the kitchen lately. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you've probably already seen the pictures of my latest successes. Here are some of the recent creations that we will add to our regular meal plans in the future (and our new table where we can enjoy our meals):

My Own Word

2011-01-09T17:54:00.000-05:00

Exactly one week ago, Roger challenged us to do a new kind of New Year's resolution for 2011. Instead of a long list of goals that we'll probably fail at, Roger introduced us to the idea of choosing ONE WORD to be your goal for the year. The One Word website is fresh and honest, and it's an amazing concept. Much like the recent surge of Six Word Memoirs, the One Word project appeals to the desire I have to stop complicating everything in my life.

And, much like coming up with a Six Word Memoir, the process of choosing my Own Word has been a long one (see what I mean about complicating my life?!?!). After a week of choosing and dismissing words, I think I have settled on my Own Word that I want to define my experience in 2011. And yet, as I get ready to reveal my word, I find myself nervous - once I write it here and publish it, does that mean that I am committed to that word? What if I chose the wrong word? What if I don't live up to my word? AHHHH!!! (maybe i need to re-read my own do not worry post!)

So, this week has been interesting as I tried to come up with Word. But, here it is: Experience.

The first week of blogging has revealed to me that this word has already been driving my life in this new year, and that my prayer is it will continue to be a part of my life for years to come. In 2011, I want to experience new things with an open mind and an open heart. I want to experience deeper intimacy with my friends, family and husband. I want experience God is bigger ways and experience His love and plan for my life. I want to be open to those experiences I haven't even dreamed of yet. I want to be fully present in my life and to experience the highs and lows; the blessings and the struggles; the passions and the pains.

I choose to experience it all.

Books...A few of my favorite things...

2011-01-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

Spend about thirty seconds with me, and you'll know that I love books. I've already made Tim promise me that (if we are ever reasonably wealthy and have nothing else to buy) I can have a nice library in a home someday. I even want the ladder on the wheels to roam my little version of paradise!

I have a good book collection, but would like to have more. Buying books is something I would do freely if we had lots of expendable income. I feel guilty buying kitchen gadgets and decorating stuff, but books I never feel guilty about acquiring. I read a wide variety of books, from children's books to adult books to non-fiction (although I don't read enough non-fiction). I love the smell of a bookstore or the library, and love wandering around the library and finding new authors to read.

Still, with my love of all things written, there are two books that I read several times a year. The first is "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. A Newbery-Award winning book, "The Giver" stirs me at a gut level. The Utopian society, the way life is lived, the discovery that there is more than just the small world in which you live, the discovery of beauty, pain, death, love...color. It is a simply-written book with a profound message that makes me sit and think and rediscover the written word.

If you've never read this book, give it a chance. It may be for younger readers, but it will still speak to you, I promise. I love this book so much, I even used it in a staff devotion at work. Trust me, it's worth the few hours it will take to read it.

Another book I read a couple times a year is completely different than "The Giver." Stephen King's "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" is a great book about becoming an author, writing, and staying true to yourself in a world that kind of wants you to sell out. It isn't a technical book on how to write a book, but instead is King's self-told journey from his first attempt at writing as a child, to the nail where he hung his rejection letters, to teaching English, to the phone call that changed his life when "Carrie" was sold.

King is, maybe surprisingly for some, one of my favorite authors. His books can be scary, and there are some I just don't like, but more often than not, King creates a world that is so complete that even his scariest books seem plausible, within their created world. ("Bag of Bones" is still the scariest book I've ever read and the only book that has ever made me jump while reading it.) Some of King's best work are stories that deal with humanity and how we live, love, and hurt each other on this world. "On Writing" is probably the most honest book ever written about how one person became an author. Sure, there are some great basic guides for writing and editing contained, but the heart of the book is King's personal story. I love this book, and every time I read it, I am re-energized to follow my passion again.

Both of these books have a permanent place on my nightstand, along with my Bible and journal. They are never far from my reach, just in case I want to read them again.

What books are your favorites?

The Blank Page

2011-01-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

The blank page.

As a writer, it strikes fear into my heart. Looking at that blank page is somewhat scary and exciting at the same time. There is nothing but possibility there - and possibility can be a good thing or a bad thing. Whatever I am writing - a poem, a blog, an essay, a short story - exists only in my imagination. Once the pen begins scratching on the paper, everything changes (yes, I still like to write with a pen and paper sometimes...it feels more authentic) and the story takes on life and is there for the world to see and find someday. Sure, you can rip out the page, crumple it up, and try and destroy it, but there is always something that remains of what was written. Even if there is no physical remnant, what you wrote stays with you.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a writer. Over the years, what I've wanted to write has changed some, but the desire to be a writer has never left. I know the chances are one in a million that I will be published, and probably even smaller that I would gain any notoriety as a writer, but I can't shake the desire to keep on trying.

I have stories to tell and poems to write; I have characters that have lived in my head since I was in middle school that are desperate to have their story told; I have bits and pieces of dialogue and setting that flow through my mind on a regular basis. I just have lacked the discipline to set aside the time to write. And, I'm not sure where that will come from even now, but this blog is the first step in rekindling my passion for writing. I am writing fiction, as well, but it's not ready for the public yet.

My blank page is slowly filling up and it's only seven days into 2011. I have a lot of goals and ambitions for this year and for my life. It feels like I spent part of last year just existing and now I'm ready to live and achieve and dream again!

What are you going to write on your blank page this year?

To Worry or Not to Worry

2011-01-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

There is a lot in scripture that I have a hard time following. I do my best, but there is a lot in there that fail at on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps the hardest one for me, though is Matthew 6:34:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If there is anything I'm really good at, it's worry about tomorrow...and the tomorrow after that...and the tomorrow after that. Heck, given enough time, I could easily worry about where we will spend the holidays next year - and they just ended. I am good at worrying. No, I am great at worrying. I can worry myself sick in record time, and I am smarter than that. I know worrying does nothing, but it doesn't stop me from worrying. I think a lot of it has to do with control. I like lists and knowing what is going to happen. I'm not a huge fan of surprises or not knowing the next part of the story. Sometimes I surprise myself that I enjoy reading mysteries as much as I do, because it goes against every single thing in me.

So, anyway, back to the issue at hand. Apparently 2011 is the year of the introspective Emily, or at least the first week of January is turning into that. I keep thinking of all the things I want to improve on this year, but, for the first time in a long time, there isn't a lot that seems overwhelming. I know I can't change who I am instantly. I can't suddenly stop worrying about tomorrow, because that isn't an honest way to change. But, I can stop myself when I start to worry and instead focus just on today.

Adding to my list of goals and 'mantras' for 2011: WORRY changes nothing. The only thing I can control is my reaction to my circumstances. That doesn't mean I shouldn't plan or think about the future, but worrying about what could be won't do any good, and it could mean that I miss out on the blessings of today because I'm already trying to live in a hypothetical tomorrow.

The Biggest Loser

2011-01-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

I only recently started watching "The Biggest Loser." And by recently, I mean I think I started watching season 7. I didn't watch the first few seasons mostly because I didn't understand the point of the show and I really didn't like the name. I can't believe the show is starting a new season already, or I guess, more accurately, started a new season last night. As we sit here watching, I am hit by the same emotions I seem to always be hit me as I watch this show. I am sad that so many people have such hard lives, and have been hiding behind the numbers on the scale and the pounds on their body. I'm also motivated to see how lives can be changed and how people can overcome the scale and what they see as their own limitations to make such positive changes.

The other thing I feel, overwhelmingly, as I watch this show, is guilt. Guilt for my own weight, and the fact that I sit on my butt for two hours every week and watch a show about weight loss instead of getting off my butt and doing something. If there is something that this show proves to me every time I watch it, it is that it is possible. Now, I know that I can't quit my job for a few months and hire a professional trainer to work me out six or seven hours a day. I can't hire a professional chef to make my meals (of only the food I enjoy, of course). :) So I can't do it like they do it on the show, but I know I can do it. Or, I guess I think I can do it. There is still a part of me, somewhere inside, that wonders if I really can do it. Can I really be skinny? Can I really change everything about my life? I want to believe yes, but part of me says no.

When I get really discouraged about it, I look to my friend David. He used to be a lot heavier than he is now, and seeing how he's changed is a huge inspiration to me. It took him awhile to get there, and he didn't need to quit his job or hire an expensive trainer...he just had to work hard and work hard and work harder...and then work some more. He truly is my inspiration. I look at him and the way he lives his life now, and know that he's happier and stronger and healthier than he ever was. And, I want to be just like him when I grow up. I need to remember that he didn't make the change he made overnight, either.

So, in summary, the Biggest Loser is one of my favorite shows, but it always makes me cry and feel encouraged and discouraged at the same time!

Back to "Normal"

2011-01-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

So I went back to work today. After working only a couple days in the last couple weeks, it felt like the. longest. day. It literally took me all day to get the piles on my desk and my email under control, much less get any quality work completed. But, it is what it is. I've come to expect the unexpected after almost 9 years in one company!

Getting back into the swing of things always takes me a few days. My sleep schedule is off. My eating habits seem to involve a lot more chocolate, peppermint and coffee. I have no desire to put on 'real' clothes and debate just how much trouble I'd get in for going to work in my sweats. I would rather cuddle my sweet dog than sit in front of a computer.

I also realized blogging is going to be harder if I have to sit at a computer all day and then try and blog. Tomorrow I will try and get up and blog before work...we'll see how that goes :)

As part of my January goals, I am reading a bonafide non-fiction book - Rework, by the people that started a business called 37signals. It's definitely not your normal 'how to start a business' book. (and no, I'm not planning on starting a new business). It's funny, for one thing. And the chapters are very short. And it's pretty simple. The whole premise of the book seems to be that people make things harder than they need to be, so why don't you make it simple instead. That's something I can definitely get behind.

So, last night, I'm reading the chapters on interruptions and meetings and how both suck the life out of a business. And, as I sat at my desk with a constant line of people coming in and out of my office, and at least three different meetings, I couldn't help but get a kick out of it. Every time my momentum got going,someone or something would break my train of thought!

And now it's 8:10 on a Tuesday night, and I am exhausted. I am ready for bed, but I have a hot date with my Wii Fit.